I'm pissed off. It's been a very long time since I wrote anything for this blog, partly because of work, but mainly because, for a long while, I didn't really have much to say. Now I do. I'm angry and I need to vent. What I'm angry about is the overwhelming sense that Arsenal Football Club is mugging me off. I'm sick of hearing Arsene Wenger spout shit about bad luck, injuries, potential… just give us the flipping truth mate and admit you've fucked up massively.
The frailties of the team were painfully evident in the early part of the season, which was not helped by the questionable decision to leave trading till the last minute for the sake of a few extra quid, or indeed by the decision, again money motivated, to choose the cheaper Per Mertesacker over experienced Premier League campaigner Gary Cahill. I'm not saying Mertesacker is a bad player, in fact he could end up being rather good, but putting financial considerations before football ones created uncertainty within the team, which was a key destabilizing factor in the miserable start to the campaign. New players need time to adjust, particularly ones from other other countries and other cultures, so all our business should have been done much much earlier.
As it happens, the manager and the players did remarkably well to rescue a seemingly hopeless situation, propelling the team from relegation zone to top four by Christmas, and this in spite of a defensive injury crisis that saw the squad shorn of every one of its full back options. Through a mixture of hard work and good fortune, they managed to negotiate the pre-Christmas period relatively unscathed, though it was clear for all to see that the team was far too reliant on Robin van Persie up front and stretched to breaking point at the back.
Instead of capitalizing on this good fortune at the start of January - signing players to cover at the back and providing proven support for the the lone goal threat - Arsene thought it prudent to keep hold of his cash and instead rest his hopes on players returning from injury and to form. Well, Arsenal lost three and drew one of their Premier League matches in January, looking sloppy at the back and being ineffective in front of goal, so this gamble seems to have been a gigantic failure. The fact that Jack Wilshere now looks set to miss the rest of the season, or at the very least the vast majority of it, makes the decision not to strengthen even more questionable.
Arsene, I'm addressing you directly now: please stop basing your transfer strategy on the best possible outcome.
You should have learned by now that things are very unlikely to work out this way. You may be right that, when everyone is fit, you have numerous options at the back and in midfield, but when in living memory has this ever happened? This season we have had to rely far too heavily on players being played out of position and one player in particular, Aaron Ramsey, being played into the ground. This is a young player, returning from a broken leg, who, like Wilshere last season, has probably played more football than is healthy.
Your hand has been forced somewhat due to the unavailability of Wilshere and the permanently injured Abou Diaby, but putting too much faith in these and other players winning their battles with injury and returning to make a meaning contribution is at the root of the problem. You need to legislate for, if not the worst case scenario, then at the very least the possibility that things might get a bit worse than you anticipate. It's called insurance. You're right to point out that you can't have 17 full-backs on the books, but it appears, as evidenced by QPRs loan move for Milan's Taye Taiwo, that there were temporary options available.
The re-signing of a club legend and the FA Cup rescue job against Villa, which surprised as much as delighted, should not fool anyone. The returning players will add some solidity at the back, but the most pressing problem right now seems to be up top. Aside from Robin van Persie, who can be relied upon to score goals? The answer appears to be no-one.
I can't be bothered to do the maths, but suffice it to say that the goal return from Chamakh, Park, Walcott, Arshavin, Gervinho, Arteta and Ramsey has been paltry. Particularly worrying is the contribution from the so-called strikers, Park and Chamakh. Honestly, these two are simply not good enough for the Premier League. When you compare them to the back up options at United and Man City, or even Newcastle and Liverpool, it's quite embarrassing.
What I don't understand is, did Arsene ever think they were good enough? I guess with respect to Chamakh, he really did, and with good evidence. This was a player out of contract and coveted across Europe thanks to his Champions League displays for Bordeaux. Arsene actually pulled off quite a coup securing his services - although he is no doubt on massive wages (this is a point I will return to). Van Persie's early season injury troubles in 2010-2011 accelerated Chamakh's route to the first team, and at first this met with surprising success, but his decline since that initial glut has been Torres-esque. I don't doubt that he has some ability but he appears bereft of confidence and unable to find a way back to form. Cut your loses, Arsene.
The Park signing seemed much more of a gamble. He had a respectable record in France and notably was being pursued by Ligue 1 champions Lille, but he was certainly not a proven quantity, and he appeared from a fan's perspective to be a bargain basement option when a marquee signing was being yearned for. In Arsene We Trust, though. That was the mantra. This guy must be good otherwise we wouldn't have signed him. Right?
Wrong. Park is still yet to start a Premiership game. Arsene, given the failure of Chamakh, why did you sign another striker with question marks hanging over his head? Foolish. If van Persie gets injured, we are completely fucked. Then we definitely won't make the Champions League, and RvP will leave. You will then have Chamakh and Park as your two most experienced strikers. Sad face.
How has it come to this? You have really ballsed things up and you need to listen to the criticism. Listen to it. Accept it. Do something about it.
Stop taking gambles in areas that need improvement. Buy some proven quality. And be more ruthless. Stop defending poor performances. You should shield your players from unfair criticism but if your players play shit, say so. And stop rewarding mediocrity. If you didn't have players like Denilson on (reputedly) 60 grand a week, you would be able to compete for players like Juan Mata, and keep players like Samir Nasri (ahem, cunt). Sport is a meritocracy. You might not like it, but that is the way it is.
Come on, show some ambition. You cannot continue to charge fans the highest prices in the country and not invest that cash in improving the team. People won't stand for it. So please, sort it out.
Saturday 4 February 2012
Friday 22 May 2009
Komplete F*cking C*nts
Dear friends
I write to you now on matter of grave importance. Had you the means or desire to hear these words spoken from my lips you would sense already the solemnity which grips my person, for what I am about to tell you has rocked me to my soul.
On Tuesday last I was strolling gaily (that means happily, I ain’t a battyman) through the fens of Brixton Town, lapping up the sun and enjoying the hit from the rock I’d just devoured. My pristine moment was rudely interrupted by an urgent need to defecate and with no suitable containers handy I was forced to make an unplanned diversion into KFC.
Having relieved myself of my heavy burden – and having taken the time to mop the floor – I exited with haste, but not before glancing instinctively at the array of delectables on offer. It was then that the horror struck.
Right beneath ‘Bargain Bucket’ and just above ‘Variety Bucket’ were the words ‘Family Feast’. It cannot be. Could the Colonel really have the temerity, nay the bald-faced cheek, to endow his family-sized feast with name ‘Family Feast’?
The Colonel had in fact gone further than that. Not only has he called his family feast ‘Family Feast’, he has actually trademarked the name. In other words, I would be in breach of the law if I decided to name my own family-sized meal the ‘Family Feast’ and then advertise it to the public.
But surely this is only a technicality. KFC would not actually deploy a crack squad of menu spies to filter back information about small, family-owned businesses and potential breaches of trademark, would they? Actually, it would appear that that is exactly what they do. And they are not alone.
McDonald’s have been embroiled in a number of legal battles to ensure their treasured brand name is not exploited. In some cases, however, this has resulted in them challenging companies with legitimate claims to trademarked names, such as the case of Norman McDonald, who was forced to change the name of his Kentucky diner from "McDonald's Hamburgers" to "Norman McDonald's Hamburgers", so as to avoid confusing the American public. (I suppose this is easily done).
To be fair, although I do not necessarily support McDonald’s case, I can understand the reasoning, for Norman McDonald, having erected replica golden arches (which he was forced to take down), was clearly trying to cash in on the McDonald’s brand.
What possible reason could there be, however, for attempting to deprive a family business of an item name on their menu? Did KFC really think they were trying to hoodwink the public? Did they think they were making megabucks out of the remarkably unremarkable, ‘Family Feast’?
What’s more incredible is that this is the second time KFC has attempted to remove the name from the menu of an independent food outlet - and failed. Did they not learn anything the first time?
I write to you now on matter of grave importance. Had you the means or desire to hear these words spoken from my lips you would sense already the solemnity which grips my person, for what I am about to tell you has rocked me to my soul.
On Tuesday last I was strolling gaily (that means happily, I ain’t a battyman) through the fens of Brixton Town, lapping up the sun and enjoying the hit from the rock I’d just devoured. My pristine moment was rudely interrupted by an urgent need to defecate and with no suitable containers handy I was forced to make an unplanned diversion into KFC.
Having relieved myself of my heavy burden – and having taken the time to mop the floor – I exited with haste, but not before glancing instinctively at the array of delectables on offer. It was then that the horror struck.
Right beneath ‘Bargain Bucket’ and just above ‘Variety Bucket’ were the words ‘Family Feast’. It cannot be. Could the Colonel really have the temerity, nay the bald-faced cheek, to endow his family-sized feast with name ‘Family Feast’?
The Colonel had in fact gone further than that. Not only has he called his family feast ‘Family Feast’, he has actually trademarked the name. In other words, I would be in breach of the law if I decided to name my own family-sized meal the ‘Family Feast’ and then advertise it to the public.
But surely this is only a technicality. KFC would not actually deploy a crack squad of menu spies to filter back information about small, family-owned businesses and potential breaches of trademark, would they? Actually, it would appear that that is exactly what they do. And they are not alone.
McDonald’s have been embroiled in a number of legal battles to ensure their treasured brand name is not exploited. In some cases, however, this has resulted in them challenging companies with legitimate claims to trademarked names, such as the case of Norman McDonald, who was forced to change the name of his Kentucky diner from "McDonald's Hamburgers" to "Norman McDonald's Hamburgers", so as to avoid confusing the American public. (I suppose this is easily done).
To be fair, although I do not necessarily support McDonald’s case, I can understand the reasoning, for Norman McDonald, having erected replica golden arches (which he was forced to take down), was clearly trying to cash in on the McDonald’s brand.
What possible reason could there be, however, for attempting to deprive a family business of an item name on their menu? Did KFC really think they were trying to hoodwink the public? Did they think they were making megabucks out of the remarkably unremarkable, ‘Family Feast’?
What’s more incredible is that this is the second time KFC has attempted to remove the name from the menu of an independent food outlet - and failed. Did they not learn anything the first time?
Monday 11 May 2009
Buy, buy, buy, or it's bye, bye, bye
Let’s make no bones about it. Sunday’s 4-1 home defeat against rivals Chelsea was a humiliation. Especially off the back of the 3-1 defeat by Manchester United in the Champions League Semis – also on home soil.
Such was the manner of those maulings that many people are wondering where Arsenal turn from here. They are still a ‘top four’ side but the evidence suggests they are closer to Villa and Everton than they are to the three teams sitting above them.
What has gone wrong and what, if anything, can be done to change it?
The answer to the first question is straightforward. Arsenal lack star quality in key areas of the pitch.
Accepting that his club would be unable to go toe-to-toe in the transfer market with the likes of Chelsea, Man U and increasingly Liverpool, Arsene Wenger has sought to nurture a team of superstars by recruiting hordes of talented youngsters.
This idea is all well and good, and the manager’s commitment to it is admirable, yet it is not clear whether such an exercise is compatible with success. There are a number of precedents for this kind of approach – Ajax, to name one – but these teams never had to compete in the billionaires’ playground that is the Premier League.
If Arsenal continue to rely on organic, year-on-year improvement, they will always be playing catch-up, because their main rivals will continue to add first class professionals to their already superior squads.
Man United were crowned domestic and European champions last season, yet they did not rest on their laurels. Ferguson knew there was room for improvement and promptly recruited the services of Dimitar Berbatov for around £30m.
Arsenal cannot compete at that level, but that does not mean they should not compete at all. At the same time as Man United were making concrete improvements to their glittering array of talent, Arsenal were actually waving goodbye to two of last seasons form players: Alex Hleb and Mathieu Flamini. Players were brought in, but none of them were proven performers.
Wenger must have been hoping for some sort of eureka moment, when his talented youngsters suddenly realised all that untapped potential, but this week’s dismal dénouement will surely have robbed him of this optimism.
This is a good thing. I think Wenger is slowly but surely coming round to the idea that he must mix experience with youth. He does not have to abandon his project wholesale, but he must now realise that young players improve much more rapidly when playing alongside top pros. You can have all the talent in the world but it is worthless if it has no direction or leadership.
The good news, as I’ve said before, is that not a lot is needed. Ideally we would purchase four new players, but even two key additions would make a huge difference. A leader at the back and a ball-winning centre-midfielder would improve Arsenal’s on-field fortunes dramatically. It’s fine to have players like Song, Denilson and Djourou as cover, but I think they’re still too young to be relied upon as first team players.
They have the talent but not the mental strength and I think too much pressure is being heaped on them. If the manager were to relieve this pressure by bringing quality first-teamers, I think you would also see an improvement in the performances of those mentioned. This is the situation with players like Jonny Evans and Danny Wellbeck at Man U.
It would also take pressure off the few ‘senior’ players at the club, like RvP, Fabregas and Adebayor. We might start seeing the best of them again.
Such was the manner of those maulings that many people are wondering where Arsenal turn from here. They are still a ‘top four’ side but the evidence suggests they are closer to Villa and Everton than they are to the three teams sitting above them.
What has gone wrong and what, if anything, can be done to change it?
The answer to the first question is straightforward. Arsenal lack star quality in key areas of the pitch.
Accepting that his club would be unable to go toe-to-toe in the transfer market with the likes of Chelsea, Man U and increasingly Liverpool, Arsene Wenger has sought to nurture a team of superstars by recruiting hordes of talented youngsters.
This idea is all well and good, and the manager’s commitment to it is admirable, yet it is not clear whether such an exercise is compatible with success. There are a number of precedents for this kind of approach – Ajax, to name one – but these teams never had to compete in the billionaires’ playground that is the Premier League.
If Arsenal continue to rely on organic, year-on-year improvement, they will always be playing catch-up, because their main rivals will continue to add first class professionals to their already superior squads.
Man United were crowned domestic and European champions last season, yet they did not rest on their laurels. Ferguson knew there was room for improvement and promptly recruited the services of Dimitar Berbatov for around £30m.
Arsenal cannot compete at that level, but that does not mean they should not compete at all. At the same time as Man United were making concrete improvements to their glittering array of talent, Arsenal were actually waving goodbye to two of last seasons form players: Alex Hleb and Mathieu Flamini. Players were brought in, but none of them were proven performers.
Wenger must have been hoping for some sort of eureka moment, when his talented youngsters suddenly realised all that untapped potential, but this week’s dismal dénouement will surely have robbed him of this optimism.
This is a good thing. I think Wenger is slowly but surely coming round to the idea that he must mix experience with youth. He does not have to abandon his project wholesale, but he must now realise that young players improve much more rapidly when playing alongside top pros. You can have all the talent in the world but it is worthless if it has no direction or leadership.
The good news, as I’ve said before, is that not a lot is needed. Ideally we would purchase four new players, but even two key additions would make a huge difference. A leader at the back and a ball-winning centre-midfielder would improve Arsenal’s on-field fortunes dramatically. It’s fine to have players like Song, Denilson and Djourou as cover, but I think they’re still too young to be relied upon as first team players.
They have the talent but not the mental strength and I think too much pressure is being heaped on them. If the manager were to relieve this pressure by bringing quality first-teamers, I think you would also see an improvement in the performances of those mentioned. This is the situation with players like Jonny Evans and Danny Wellbeck at Man U.
It would also take pressure off the few ‘senior’ players at the club, like RvP, Fabregas and Adebayor. We might start seeing the best of them again.
Wednesday 6 May 2009
Come down off that chair and put that noose back in the cupboard
Last night was a bitterly disappointing one for Arsenal fans. Some perhaps went a little overboard in their efforts to take away the pain but even the saner among us found a hand inching towards the nearest bottle of lighter fluid.
It wasn’t defeat per se that was difficult to take. It was the manner of it. To get so hyped up for a contest, to convince oneself that victory was possible, only to have the dream ripped to pieces in little over 10 minutes. It was a depressing sight.
I had mentioned to friends before kick off that I’d be happy so long as we gave it a good go and kept it interesting until the last. To be fair to the lads, they started with the right attitude. The tempo was quick and the crowd, who were in good voice, were just beginning to sense something special.
It all changed, however, when Manyoo got the slice of luck that their first-leg superiority probably warranted.
Arsenal really needed to get the first goal to keep the tie interesting as a contest, yet they were undone not eight minutes in by a dreadfully unfortunate slip from the 19-year-old left back Kieran Gibbs, allowing Park Ji-Sung to steal in and lift the ball over Almunia.
This goal – against the run of play – was the best thing the United players could have hoped for. Not only did Arsenal now require three goals, they would also have to fight to reinvigorate the stunned supporters rendered mute by the concession of such an early goal.
This second challenge was made all but impossible by the Ronaldo freekick that followed three minutes later. Two-nil down. Game over. That was certainly the feeling with the Arsenal support. There just isn’t the belief anymore. Some might question the fans – especially the ones who felt it necessary to leave after the third went in – but it’s difficult to blame them.
How much investment do they put in – emotional and financial? A lot, is the answer. They are entitled to expect a little more in return. More effort. More quality. More passion. What the fans got last night was a ‘fuck you’. ‘Fuck you for caring’. How cruel a mistress football can be.
Of course everyone is now rolling out the familiar accusations: Arsenal have no experience; it was men against boys; Wenger needs to go. The truth is less dramatic.
Yes Arsenal were second best throughout. Yes this is not where we want to be. And yes Wenger needs to strengthen in the summer. But there is no need to panic. Our Kenyan friend perhaps jumped the gun and it is unfortunate that he won’t be around to regret his hasty decision.
First of all, it is an impressive achievement in itself to get to the semi-final of the Champions League, especially in the context of Arsenal’s ever-presence in the competition under Wenger and our appearance in the final three years ago.
Secondly, although we were comprehensively outplayed in the first leg, in the second leg we were extremely unfortunate to concede such an early goal. A bright start had indicated a victory might be on the cards, but the wind was taken from our sails by an early slip which resulted in a goal. I don’t blame Kieran Gibbs, it was an accident. Sadly it was an accident that could not have happened at a worse time.
This, however, brings me to my third point: injuries. Young Gibbs would not have been playing if first-choice left-back Gael Clichy had been fit. It’s fair to point out that title winning teams need good squad depth, but this season, at various points, and for a significant number or games, Arsenal have had to make do without Eduardo, Walcott, Rosicky, RvP, Fabregas, Diaby, Gallas, Clichy, Adebayor and Djourou. That’s one short of an entire team.
To make matters worse these injuries have tended to stack up in the most awkward of ways. This was most obvious when, during the same period as welcoming back the attacking trio of Fabregas, Walcott and Eduardo, we lost the defensive quartet of Almunia, Clichy, Gallas and Sagna. My intention here is not to moan, but simply to point out that things could have been different had lady luck had been a bit kinder with injuries.
The final reason to remain quietly optimistic is the state of the squad. Some players have clearly underperformed this season and the manager would do well to ship them out. I’m thinking mainly of Adebayor (lazy), Diaby (greedy) and Silvestre (shit). Denilson, Bendtner, Djourou and Song have not exactly set the world alight either but I have seen enough from them, given their young age, to think they’re worth holding on to.
Other than that the team is very good. I rate Fabregas, Theo, Nasri, Gallas, Clichy, Sagna, Toure, RvP and Almunia all pretty highly. If we can add to these the experience, energy and strength that we quite clearly need, then we will have a very competitive team next year, especially with the exceptionally talented Andrei Arshavin now involved.
This guy is pure class. He also has experience. Not only will he be instrumental in the coming seasons, but I suspect his eye-catching introduction to English football will have convinced Wenger that splashing out on top draw players – as long as they are the right players – can be worth every penny.
There are likely to be funds available during the summer thanks to the continued interest and investment from Kroenke and his rival Usmanov. Couple this with Wenger’s guile in the transfer market, and the undoubted ambition of the club’s new Managing Director Ivan Gazidis, and there is reason to believe a much needed overhaul will begin in the summer.
Given Wenger’s forlorn look and unusually introspective comments following last night’s defeat – and given also that the defeat effectively ended Arsenal’s involvement in meaningful competition this season, save perhaps an outside shot at stealing 3rd from Chelsea – there is a possibility that the recruitment drive has already begun.
It wasn’t defeat per se that was difficult to take. It was the manner of it. To get so hyped up for a contest, to convince oneself that victory was possible, only to have the dream ripped to pieces in little over 10 minutes. It was a depressing sight.
I had mentioned to friends before kick off that I’d be happy so long as we gave it a good go and kept it interesting until the last. To be fair to the lads, they started with the right attitude. The tempo was quick and the crowd, who were in good voice, were just beginning to sense something special.
It all changed, however, when Manyoo got the slice of luck that their first-leg superiority probably warranted.
Arsenal really needed to get the first goal to keep the tie interesting as a contest, yet they were undone not eight minutes in by a dreadfully unfortunate slip from the 19-year-old left back Kieran Gibbs, allowing Park Ji-Sung to steal in and lift the ball over Almunia.
This goal – against the run of play – was the best thing the United players could have hoped for. Not only did Arsenal now require three goals, they would also have to fight to reinvigorate the stunned supporters rendered mute by the concession of such an early goal.
This second challenge was made all but impossible by the Ronaldo freekick that followed three minutes later. Two-nil down. Game over. That was certainly the feeling with the Arsenal support. There just isn’t the belief anymore. Some might question the fans – especially the ones who felt it necessary to leave after the third went in – but it’s difficult to blame them.
How much investment do they put in – emotional and financial? A lot, is the answer. They are entitled to expect a little more in return. More effort. More quality. More passion. What the fans got last night was a ‘fuck you’. ‘Fuck you for caring’. How cruel a mistress football can be.
Of course everyone is now rolling out the familiar accusations: Arsenal have no experience; it was men against boys; Wenger needs to go. The truth is less dramatic.
Yes Arsenal were second best throughout. Yes this is not where we want to be. And yes Wenger needs to strengthen in the summer. But there is no need to panic. Our Kenyan friend perhaps jumped the gun and it is unfortunate that he won’t be around to regret his hasty decision.
First of all, it is an impressive achievement in itself to get to the semi-final of the Champions League, especially in the context of Arsenal’s ever-presence in the competition under Wenger and our appearance in the final three years ago.
Secondly, although we were comprehensively outplayed in the first leg, in the second leg we were extremely unfortunate to concede such an early goal. A bright start had indicated a victory might be on the cards, but the wind was taken from our sails by an early slip which resulted in a goal. I don’t blame Kieran Gibbs, it was an accident. Sadly it was an accident that could not have happened at a worse time.
This, however, brings me to my third point: injuries. Young Gibbs would not have been playing if first-choice left-back Gael Clichy had been fit. It’s fair to point out that title winning teams need good squad depth, but this season, at various points, and for a significant number or games, Arsenal have had to make do without Eduardo, Walcott, Rosicky, RvP, Fabregas, Diaby, Gallas, Clichy, Adebayor and Djourou. That’s one short of an entire team.
To make matters worse these injuries have tended to stack up in the most awkward of ways. This was most obvious when, during the same period as welcoming back the attacking trio of Fabregas, Walcott and Eduardo, we lost the defensive quartet of Almunia, Clichy, Gallas and Sagna. My intention here is not to moan, but simply to point out that things could have been different had lady luck had been a bit kinder with injuries.
The final reason to remain quietly optimistic is the state of the squad. Some players have clearly underperformed this season and the manager would do well to ship them out. I’m thinking mainly of Adebayor (lazy), Diaby (greedy) and Silvestre (shit). Denilson, Bendtner, Djourou and Song have not exactly set the world alight either but I have seen enough from them, given their young age, to think they’re worth holding on to.
Other than that the team is very good. I rate Fabregas, Theo, Nasri, Gallas, Clichy, Sagna, Toure, RvP and Almunia all pretty highly. If we can add to these the experience, energy and strength that we quite clearly need, then we will have a very competitive team next year, especially with the exceptionally talented Andrei Arshavin now involved.
This guy is pure class. He also has experience. Not only will he be instrumental in the coming seasons, but I suspect his eye-catching introduction to English football will have convinced Wenger that splashing out on top draw players – as long as they are the right players – can be worth every penny.
There are likely to be funds available during the summer thanks to the continued interest and investment from Kroenke and his rival Usmanov. Couple this with Wenger’s guile in the transfer market, and the undoubted ambition of the club’s new Managing Director Ivan Gazidis, and there is reason to believe a much needed overhaul will begin in the summer.
Given Wenger’s forlorn look and unusually introspective comments following last night’s defeat – and given also that the defeat effectively ended Arsenal’s involvement in meaningful competition this season, save perhaps an outside shot at stealing 3rd from Chelsea – there is a possibility that the recruitment drive has already begun.
Monday 6 April 2009
Beware the axe wielding Welshman
Writing a blog is a tricky business. I know many writers possess the enviable ability to eject the contents of their brains across the page with faultless eloquence, but for most of us there is more than a little finicking involved.
I’m worse than most. In fact, I’ve just wasted ten minutes of my life trying to decide between ‘finicking’ and ‘nitpicking’. Oh the irony. This anality is exactly the kind of destructive tendency you must avoid if you want to be a journalist. There simply isn’t time to weigh the merits of ‘old’ vs. ‘antiquated’, ‘free’ vs. ‘liberate’, ‘hooters’ vs. ‘norks’.
In case you were wondering, this isn’t the reason why most newspaper articles read like they’ve been written by a child. The short sentences and simple words are for the benefit of you, the reader.
Science has proven that the average person is intellectually equivalent to a cucumber, so hacks are trained to write in a way that would not flummox your typical salad vegetable. I’m exaggerating – slightly – but in all seriousness, copy for most newspapers is written to accommodate a reading age of about five.
Understandably, this takes some of the enjoyment out of writing. That’s why writing a blog is such a pleasure. I’m not interested in what I write being accessible to kids – or retards. I afford you guys a little more respect than that. If I were to launch, whimsically, into a lexiphanic discourse on the perils of unrestrained magniloquence, I’d be happy you were all still on board.
Yet it’s very difficult to keep such a discerning audience entertained. Stories about my collection of antique snorkels leave people in jaw dropped amazement for only so long. In order to achieve sustained levels of interest, I need to pull out the big guns. That’s right: I’m going to have to start cussing mans down.
The plain reality is that people love hearing other people mercilessly ripped to pieces by dark-hearted misanthropes. Charlie Brooker makes a living out of it – and he’s a ruddy genius. The problem is, you have to not give a flying funk about offending people. Unfortunately, I do give a funk. Every reader counts, you see.
In fact, there is a very real chance I’ve already shot myself in the foot by using the word ‘retards’. Some people get really upset about that kind of language. It’s hurtful, apparently. Such hyper-sensitivity is ridiculous to me, but given that I’m in no position to be turning people away I guess I should lay off the mentally challenged.
Other people you must be wary of insulting for fear of assassination by crazed fanatics. I speak, of course, of the Welsh. Those people just do not have a sense of humour about themselves. I can get away with saying that because I’m actually a little bit Welsh myself. It’s not something I like to advertise but it has saved me from being beheaded on more than one occasion.
Take out the Welsh and the retards and you’re not left with many options – even accounting for the huge crossover. I suppose the Eskimos are due for a fucking hammering. They’ve been getting off easy for years. So have the Swedish for that matter. I’ll have a think about it. It might be that I can just pick on celebrities everyone hates, like that pillock Ashley Cole.
I’m worse than most. In fact, I’ve just wasted ten minutes of my life trying to decide between ‘finicking’ and ‘nitpicking’. Oh the irony. This anality is exactly the kind of destructive tendency you must avoid if you want to be a journalist. There simply isn’t time to weigh the merits of ‘old’ vs. ‘antiquated’, ‘free’ vs. ‘liberate’, ‘hooters’ vs. ‘norks’.
In case you were wondering, this isn’t the reason why most newspaper articles read like they’ve been written by a child. The short sentences and simple words are for the benefit of you, the reader.
Science has proven that the average person is intellectually equivalent to a cucumber, so hacks are trained to write in a way that would not flummox your typical salad vegetable. I’m exaggerating – slightly – but in all seriousness, copy for most newspapers is written to accommodate a reading age of about five.
Understandably, this takes some of the enjoyment out of writing. That’s why writing a blog is such a pleasure. I’m not interested in what I write being accessible to kids – or retards. I afford you guys a little more respect than that. If I were to launch, whimsically, into a lexiphanic discourse on the perils of unrestrained magniloquence, I’d be happy you were all still on board.
Yet it’s very difficult to keep such a discerning audience entertained. Stories about my collection of antique snorkels leave people in jaw dropped amazement for only so long. In order to achieve sustained levels of interest, I need to pull out the big guns. That’s right: I’m going to have to start cussing mans down.
The plain reality is that people love hearing other people mercilessly ripped to pieces by dark-hearted misanthropes. Charlie Brooker makes a living out of it – and he’s a ruddy genius. The problem is, you have to not give a flying funk about offending people. Unfortunately, I do give a funk. Every reader counts, you see.
In fact, there is a very real chance I’ve already shot myself in the foot by using the word ‘retards’. Some people get really upset about that kind of language. It’s hurtful, apparently. Such hyper-sensitivity is ridiculous to me, but given that I’m in no position to be turning people away I guess I should lay off the mentally challenged.
Other people you must be wary of insulting for fear of assassination by crazed fanatics. I speak, of course, of the Welsh. Those people just do not have a sense of humour about themselves. I can get away with saying that because I’m actually a little bit Welsh myself. It’s not something I like to advertise but it has saved me from being beheaded on more than one occasion.
Take out the Welsh and the retards and you’re not left with many options – even accounting for the huge crossover. I suppose the Eskimos are due for a fucking hammering. They’ve been getting off easy for years. So have the Swedish for that matter. I’ll have a think about it. It might be that I can just pick on celebrities everyone hates, like that pillock Ashley Cole.
Thursday 26 March 2009
Branded losers but looking for a strong finish
I haven’t written anything for a while. Bad, I know, but I’ve been really busy.
Who am I kidding… you can see right through me. I’m like a pair of Russell Brand’s hermetically-sealed trousers – without the disconcerting bulge and encrusted melange of DNA. (Well, at least not today).
The reality is that I’ve been slack. Very slack. Slack in way that’s nothing like Mr Brand’s pants and rather more like his promiscuous behaviour.
Not that I think he’s improper. He does what most men, perhaps even most women, would like to do but can’t – either because of a distinct lack of game or because of a spineless acquiescence to cultural sensibilities.
Papers are filled with stories about Brand’s sexual ‘deviancy’ because it allows us to turn the table and claim he’s the one with the problem. Yet, from a loosely Darwinian perspective, Brand is a winner. More than that. He is winner of epic proportions.
Indeed if it wasn’t for contraceptive (and no doubt abortive) technology, Brand would have spawned an army of sesquipedalian cockneys large enough to conquer Western Europe.
Sesquipedalian. I love that word. It has a beautiful symmetry to it because it is an example of exactly what it describes. Whoever created it had a marvellous sense of humour.
Anyway, where was I? I was talking about Russell Brand, wasn’t I? Actually, I wasn’t really meaning to talk about Russell Brand - I just went off on a bit of a tangent. I was actually meaning to talk about football, because it’s been a while since I had a rant and since that time much has changed with the old Arsenal.
Last time I wrote about football I was in a bit of a depression about the spiralling misfortunes of the Gunners. It appeared then that Villa might establish an insurmountable lead in the race for fourth spot and that Arsenal might actually end up without a Champions League spot for the first time in over a decade, with dire implications for the club’s finances.
However, in the intervening weeks a remarkable turnaround has occurred. Some rich Arsenal form has coincided with some poor Villa form and a gap that could have stretched to eight points if Villa had held on to a 2-0 lead at home to Stoke is now 3 – in Arsenal’s favour!
There is still enough time to throw it away again but at present things are looking pretty rosy, especially with an FA Cup semi-final and a Champions League quarter-final to look forward to. Feasibly Arsenal could still end the season with two prestigious trophies and Champions League football for next season (though we would have this anyway if we were to win the CL).
The confidence and dynamism has started to flow back, even without the still injured Fabregas, Adebayor, Rosicky and the re-injured Walcott and Eduardo. The revival is so dramatic, and, indeed, so timely, that we may well curse the fact that our run of goalless draws put us just too far behind to catch up. We’re certainly not beyond catching Chelsea to nick third.
Come on lads, you can do it!
Who am I kidding… you can see right through me. I’m like a pair of Russell Brand’s hermetically-sealed trousers – without the disconcerting bulge and encrusted melange of DNA. (Well, at least not today).
The reality is that I’ve been slack. Very slack. Slack in way that’s nothing like Mr Brand’s pants and rather more like his promiscuous behaviour.
Not that I think he’s improper. He does what most men, perhaps even most women, would like to do but can’t – either because of a distinct lack of game or because of a spineless acquiescence to cultural sensibilities.
Papers are filled with stories about Brand’s sexual ‘deviancy’ because it allows us to turn the table and claim he’s the one with the problem. Yet, from a loosely Darwinian perspective, Brand is a winner. More than that. He is winner of epic proportions.
Indeed if it wasn’t for contraceptive (and no doubt abortive) technology, Brand would have spawned an army of sesquipedalian cockneys large enough to conquer Western Europe.
Sesquipedalian. I love that word. It has a beautiful symmetry to it because it is an example of exactly what it describes. Whoever created it had a marvellous sense of humour.
Anyway, where was I? I was talking about Russell Brand, wasn’t I? Actually, I wasn’t really meaning to talk about Russell Brand - I just went off on a bit of a tangent. I was actually meaning to talk about football, because it’s been a while since I had a rant and since that time much has changed with the old Arsenal.
Last time I wrote about football I was in a bit of a depression about the spiralling misfortunes of the Gunners. It appeared then that Villa might establish an insurmountable lead in the race for fourth spot and that Arsenal might actually end up without a Champions League spot for the first time in over a decade, with dire implications for the club’s finances.
However, in the intervening weeks a remarkable turnaround has occurred. Some rich Arsenal form has coincided with some poor Villa form and a gap that could have stretched to eight points if Villa had held on to a 2-0 lead at home to Stoke is now 3 – in Arsenal’s favour!
There is still enough time to throw it away again but at present things are looking pretty rosy, especially with an FA Cup semi-final and a Champions League quarter-final to look forward to. Feasibly Arsenal could still end the season with two prestigious trophies and Champions League football for next season (though we would have this anyway if we were to win the CL).
The confidence and dynamism has started to flow back, even without the still injured Fabregas, Adebayor, Rosicky and the re-injured Walcott and Eduardo. The revival is so dramatic, and, indeed, so timely, that we may well curse the fact that our run of goalless draws put us just too far behind to catch up. We’re certainly not beyond catching Chelsea to nick third.
Come on lads, you can do it!
Friday 6 March 2009
Kebabs are bad for you - apparently
Scientists have revealed some startling new information. It’s being claimed as one of the breakthroughs of the decade, if not the century. Whisper it quietly, but it appears the good-old donner kebab might actually be doing us harm:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2009/mar/05/kebab-takeaways-food-safety
I know, I know, it’s hard to believe, but a study carried out by the Health Protection Agency (HPA) has found that 4.7% of salads and sauces served at kebab takeaways contain “unsatisfactory” levels of bacteria, and that 0.4% contain “unacceptable or potentially hazardous” levels, meaning the mouth-watering delights were, contrary to appearance, unfit for human consumption!
I’m sure donner-philes across the nation are finding this news almost as difficult to digest as yesterday’s dinner. Can the humble kebab, a staple of al fresco dining from Grimsby to Croydon, really be a threat to public health?
Of course it is you bone heads! How many hours and thousands of pounds have been wasted in “discovering” what my mottled toilet bowl could attest after one of my ill-advised but thankfully rare moonlit drop-ins to the local germ emporium?
I don’t think it will come as a shock to anyone who has ever been inside a kebab shop that they are, more often than not, a picture book of poor hygiene.
It is not surprising in the slightest that they operate like an oversized bacterial incubator, lovingly nurturing their microscopic clientele on a feast of heat-regulated chilli sauce, “fresh” salad and fine cuts of reconstituted meat of indeterminate origin.
The problem is, people who frequent kebab shops are not the greatest exponents of good judgement at the best of times. Even without added microbes, donner kebab remains a questionable dinner choice.
The vast majority of us only succumb to the temptation when we are hungry late at night and nothing else is open and our rational faculties have been eroded by similarly ill-advised levels of alcohol.
Indeed, we never seem to heed the health warnings relating to alcohol consumption so the chances of us ditching our drunken donner or burger or fried chicken for rye bread and organic hummus is fairly close to zero.
The point of the study is clearly to initiate a clampdown on the peddlers of poor hygiene, which is no doubt a good thing; I’m just not sure it will mean that much to the people it actually affects.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2009/mar/05/kebab-takeaways-food-safety
I know, I know, it’s hard to believe, but a study carried out by the Health Protection Agency (HPA) has found that 4.7% of salads and sauces served at kebab takeaways contain “unsatisfactory” levels of bacteria, and that 0.4% contain “unacceptable or potentially hazardous” levels, meaning the mouth-watering delights were, contrary to appearance, unfit for human consumption!
I’m sure donner-philes across the nation are finding this news almost as difficult to digest as yesterday’s dinner. Can the humble kebab, a staple of al fresco dining from Grimsby to Croydon, really be a threat to public health?
Of course it is you bone heads! How many hours and thousands of pounds have been wasted in “discovering” what my mottled toilet bowl could attest after one of my ill-advised but thankfully rare moonlit drop-ins to the local germ emporium?
I don’t think it will come as a shock to anyone who has ever been inside a kebab shop that they are, more often than not, a picture book of poor hygiene.
It is not surprising in the slightest that they operate like an oversized bacterial incubator, lovingly nurturing their microscopic clientele on a feast of heat-regulated chilli sauce, “fresh” salad and fine cuts of reconstituted meat of indeterminate origin.
The problem is, people who frequent kebab shops are not the greatest exponents of good judgement at the best of times. Even without added microbes, donner kebab remains a questionable dinner choice.
The vast majority of us only succumb to the temptation when we are hungry late at night and nothing else is open and our rational faculties have been eroded by similarly ill-advised levels of alcohol.
Indeed, we never seem to heed the health warnings relating to alcohol consumption so the chances of us ditching our drunken donner or burger or fried chicken for rye bread and organic hummus is fairly close to zero.
The point of the study is clearly to initiate a clampdown on the peddlers of poor hygiene, which is no doubt a good thing; I’m just not sure it will mean that much to the people it actually affects.
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