Dear friends
I write to you now on matter of grave importance. Had you the means or desire to hear these words spoken from my lips you would sense already the solemnity which grips my person, for what I am about to tell you has rocked me to my soul.
On Tuesday last I was strolling gaily (that means happily, I ain’t a battyman) through the fens of Brixton Town, lapping up the sun and enjoying the hit from the rock I’d just devoured. My pristine moment was rudely interrupted by an urgent need to defecate and with no suitable containers handy I was forced to make an unplanned diversion into KFC.
Having relieved myself of my heavy burden – and having taken the time to mop the floor – I exited with haste, but not before glancing instinctively at the array of delectables on offer. It was then that the horror struck.
Right beneath ‘Bargain Bucket’ and just above ‘Variety Bucket’ were the words ‘Family Feast’. It cannot be. Could the Colonel really have the temerity, nay the bald-faced cheek, to endow his family-sized feast with name ‘Family Feast’?
The Colonel had in fact gone further than that. Not only has he called his family feast ‘Family Feast’, he has actually trademarked the name. In other words, I would be in breach of the law if I decided to name my own family-sized meal the ‘Family Feast’ and then advertise it to the public.
But surely this is only a technicality. KFC would not actually deploy a crack squad of menu spies to filter back information about small, family-owned businesses and potential breaches of trademark, would they? Actually, it would appear that that is exactly what they do. And they are not alone.
McDonald’s have been embroiled in a number of legal battles to ensure their treasured brand name is not exploited. In some cases, however, this has resulted in them challenging companies with legitimate claims to trademarked names, such as the case of Norman McDonald, who was forced to change the name of his Kentucky diner from "McDonald's Hamburgers" to "Norman McDonald's Hamburgers", so as to avoid confusing the American public. (I suppose this is easily done).
To be fair, although I do not necessarily support McDonald’s case, I can understand the reasoning, for Norman McDonald, having erected replica golden arches (which he was forced to take down), was clearly trying to cash in on the McDonald’s brand.
What possible reason could there be, however, for attempting to deprive a family business of an item name on their menu? Did KFC really think they were trying to hoodwink the public? Did they think they were making megabucks out of the remarkably unremarkable, ‘Family Feast’?
What’s more incredible is that this is the second time KFC has attempted to remove the name from the menu of an independent food outlet - and failed. Did they not learn anything the first time?
Friday 22 May 2009
Monday 11 May 2009
Buy, buy, buy, or it's bye, bye, bye
Let’s make no bones about it. Sunday’s 4-1 home defeat against rivals Chelsea was a humiliation. Especially off the back of the 3-1 defeat by Manchester United in the Champions League Semis – also on home soil.
Such was the manner of those maulings that many people are wondering where Arsenal turn from here. They are still a ‘top four’ side but the evidence suggests they are closer to Villa and Everton than they are to the three teams sitting above them.
What has gone wrong and what, if anything, can be done to change it?
The answer to the first question is straightforward. Arsenal lack star quality in key areas of the pitch.
Accepting that his club would be unable to go toe-to-toe in the transfer market with the likes of Chelsea, Man U and increasingly Liverpool, Arsene Wenger has sought to nurture a team of superstars by recruiting hordes of talented youngsters.
This idea is all well and good, and the manager’s commitment to it is admirable, yet it is not clear whether such an exercise is compatible with success. There are a number of precedents for this kind of approach – Ajax, to name one – but these teams never had to compete in the billionaires’ playground that is the Premier League.
If Arsenal continue to rely on organic, year-on-year improvement, they will always be playing catch-up, because their main rivals will continue to add first class professionals to their already superior squads.
Man United were crowned domestic and European champions last season, yet they did not rest on their laurels. Ferguson knew there was room for improvement and promptly recruited the services of Dimitar Berbatov for around £30m.
Arsenal cannot compete at that level, but that does not mean they should not compete at all. At the same time as Man United were making concrete improvements to their glittering array of talent, Arsenal were actually waving goodbye to two of last seasons form players: Alex Hleb and Mathieu Flamini. Players were brought in, but none of them were proven performers.
Wenger must have been hoping for some sort of eureka moment, when his talented youngsters suddenly realised all that untapped potential, but this week’s dismal dénouement will surely have robbed him of this optimism.
This is a good thing. I think Wenger is slowly but surely coming round to the idea that he must mix experience with youth. He does not have to abandon his project wholesale, but he must now realise that young players improve much more rapidly when playing alongside top pros. You can have all the talent in the world but it is worthless if it has no direction or leadership.
The good news, as I’ve said before, is that not a lot is needed. Ideally we would purchase four new players, but even two key additions would make a huge difference. A leader at the back and a ball-winning centre-midfielder would improve Arsenal’s on-field fortunes dramatically. It’s fine to have players like Song, Denilson and Djourou as cover, but I think they’re still too young to be relied upon as first team players.
They have the talent but not the mental strength and I think too much pressure is being heaped on them. If the manager were to relieve this pressure by bringing quality first-teamers, I think you would also see an improvement in the performances of those mentioned. This is the situation with players like Jonny Evans and Danny Wellbeck at Man U.
It would also take pressure off the few ‘senior’ players at the club, like RvP, Fabregas and Adebayor. We might start seeing the best of them again.
Such was the manner of those maulings that many people are wondering where Arsenal turn from here. They are still a ‘top four’ side but the evidence suggests they are closer to Villa and Everton than they are to the three teams sitting above them.
What has gone wrong and what, if anything, can be done to change it?
The answer to the first question is straightforward. Arsenal lack star quality in key areas of the pitch.
Accepting that his club would be unable to go toe-to-toe in the transfer market with the likes of Chelsea, Man U and increasingly Liverpool, Arsene Wenger has sought to nurture a team of superstars by recruiting hordes of talented youngsters.
This idea is all well and good, and the manager’s commitment to it is admirable, yet it is not clear whether such an exercise is compatible with success. There are a number of precedents for this kind of approach – Ajax, to name one – but these teams never had to compete in the billionaires’ playground that is the Premier League.
If Arsenal continue to rely on organic, year-on-year improvement, they will always be playing catch-up, because their main rivals will continue to add first class professionals to their already superior squads.
Man United were crowned domestic and European champions last season, yet they did not rest on their laurels. Ferguson knew there was room for improvement and promptly recruited the services of Dimitar Berbatov for around £30m.
Arsenal cannot compete at that level, but that does not mean they should not compete at all. At the same time as Man United were making concrete improvements to their glittering array of talent, Arsenal were actually waving goodbye to two of last seasons form players: Alex Hleb and Mathieu Flamini. Players were brought in, but none of them were proven performers.
Wenger must have been hoping for some sort of eureka moment, when his talented youngsters suddenly realised all that untapped potential, but this week’s dismal dénouement will surely have robbed him of this optimism.
This is a good thing. I think Wenger is slowly but surely coming round to the idea that he must mix experience with youth. He does not have to abandon his project wholesale, but he must now realise that young players improve much more rapidly when playing alongside top pros. You can have all the talent in the world but it is worthless if it has no direction or leadership.
The good news, as I’ve said before, is that not a lot is needed. Ideally we would purchase four new players, but even two key additions would make a huge difference. A leader at the back and a ball-winning centre-midfielder would improve Arsenal’s on-field fortunes dramatically. It’s fine to have players like Song, Denilson and Djourou as cover, but I think they’re still too young to be relied upon as first team players.
They have the talent but not the mental strength and I think too much pressure is being heaped on them. If the manager were to relieve this pressure by bringing quality first-teamers, I think you would also see an improvement in the performances of those mentioned. This is the situation with players like Jonny Evans and Danny Wellbeck at Man U.
It would also take pressure off the few ‘senior’ players at the club, like RvP, Fabregas and Adebayor. We might start seeing the best of them again.
Wednesday 6 May 2009
Come down off that chair and put that noose back in the cupboard
Last night was a bitterly disappointing one for Arsenal fans. Some perhaps went a little overboard in their efforts to take away the pain but even the saner among us found a hand inching towards the nearest bottle of lighter fluid.
It wasn’t defeat per se that was difficult to take. It was the manner of it. To get so hyped up for a contest, to convince oneself that victory was possible, only to have the dream ripped to pieces in little over 10 minutes. It was a depressing sight.
I had mentioned to friends before kick off that I’d be happy so long as we gave it a good go and kept it interesting until the last. To be fair to the lads, they started with the right attitude. The tempo was quick and the crowd, who were in good voice, were just beginning to sense something special.
It all changed, however, when Manyoo got the slice of luck that their first-leg superiority probably warranted.
Arsenal really needed to get the first goal to keep the tie interesting as a contest, yet they were undone not eight minutes in by a dreadfully unfortunate slip from the 19-year-old left back Kieran Gibbs, allowing Park Ji-Sung to steal in and lift the ball over Almunia.
This goal – against the run of play – was the best thing the United players could have hoped for. Not only did Arsenal now require three goals, they would also have to fight to reinvigorate the stunned supporters rendered mute by the concession of such an early goal.
This second challenge was made all but impossible by the Ronaldo freekick that followed three minutes later. Two-nil down. Game over. That was certainly the feeling with the Arsenal support. There just isn’t the belief anymore. Some might question the fans – especially the ones who felt it necessary to leave after the third went in – but it’s difficult to blame them.
How much investment do they put in – emotional and financial? A lot, is the answer. They are entitled to expect a little more in return. More effort. More quality. More passion. What the fans got last night was a ‘fuck you’. ‘Fuck you for caring’. How cruel a mistress football can be.
Of course everyone is now rolling out the familiar accusations: Arsenal have no experience; it was men against boys; Wenger needs to go. The truth is less dramatic.
Yes Arsenal were second best throughout. Yes this is not where we want to be. And yes Wenger needs to strengthen in the summer. But there is no need to panic. Our Kenyan friend perhaps jumped the gun and it is unfortunate that he won’t be around to regret his hasty decision.
First of all, it is an impressive achievement in itself to get to the semi-final of the Champions League, especially in the context of Arsenal’s ever-presence in the competition under Wenger and our appearance in the final three years ago.
Secondly, although we were comprehensively outplayed in the first leg, in the second leg we were extremely unfortunate to concede such an early goal. A bright start had indicated a victory might be on the cards, but the wind was taken from our sails by an early slip which resulted in a goal. I don’t blame Kieran Gibbs, it was an accident. Sadly it was an accident that could not have happened at a worse time.
This, however, brings me to my third point: injuries. Young Gibbs would not have been playing if first-choice left-back Gael Clichy had been fit. It’s fair to point out that title winning teams need good squad depth, but this season, at various points, and for a significant number or games, Arsenal have had to make do without Eduardo, Walcott, Rosicky, RvP, Fabregas, Diaby, Gallas, Clichy, Adebayor and Djourou. That’s one short of an entire team.
To make matters worse these injuries have tended to stack up in the most awkward of ways. This was most obvious when, during the same period as welcoming back the attacking trio of Fabregas, Walcott and Eduardo, we lost the defensive quartet of Almunia, Clichy, Gallas and Sagna. My intention here is not to moan, but simply to point out that things could have been different had lady luck had been a bit kinder with injuries.
The final reason to remain quietly optimistic is the state of the squad. Some players have clearly underperformed this season and the manager would do well to ship them out. I’m thinking mainly of Adebayor (lazy), Diaby (greedy) and Silvestre (shit). Denilson, Bendtner, Djourou and Song have not exactly set the world alight either but I have seen enough from them, given their young age, to think they’re worth holding on to.
Other than that the team is very good. I rate Fabregas, Theo, Nasri, Gallas, Clichy, Sagna, Toure, RvP and Almunia all pretty highly. If we can add to these the experience, energy and strength that we quite clearly need, then we will have a very competitive team next year, especially with the exceptionally talented Andrei Arshavin now involved.
This guy is pure class. He also has experience. Not only will he be instrumental in the coming seasons, but I suspect his eye-catching introduction to English football will have convinced Wenger that splashing out on top draw players – as long as they are the right players – can be worth every penny.
There are likely to be funds available during the summer thanks to the continued interest and investment from Kroenke and his rival Usmanov. Couple this with Wenger’s guile in the transfer market, and the undoubted ambition of the club’s new Managing Director Ivan Gazidis, and there is reason to believe a much needed overhaul will begin in the summer.
Given Wenger’s forlorn look and unusually introspective comments following last night’s defeat – and given also that the defeat effectively ended Arsenal’s involvement in meaningful competition this season, save perhaps an outside shot at stealing 3rd from Chelsea – there is a possibility that the recruitment drive has already begun.
It wasn’t defeat per se that was difficult to take. It was the manner of it. To get so hyped up for a contest, to convince oneself that victory was possible, only to have the dream ripped to pieces in little over 10 minutes. It was a depressing sight.
I had mentioned to friends before kick off that I’d be happy so long as we gave it a good go and kept it interesting until the last. To be fair to the lads, they started with the right attitude. The tempo was quick and the crowd, who were in good voice, were just beginning to sense something special.
It all changed, however, when Manyoo got the slice of luck that their first-leg superiority probably warranted.
Arsenal really needed to get the first goal to keep the tie interesting as a contest, yet they were undone not eight minutes in by a dreadfully unfortunate slip from the 19-year-old left back Kieran Gibbs, allowing Park Ji-Sung to steal in and lift the ball over Almunia.
This goal – against the run of play – was the best thing the United players could have hoped for. Not only did Arsenal now require three goals, they would also have to fight to reinvigorate the stunned supporters rendered mute by the concession of such an early goal.
This second challenge was made all but impossible by the Ronaldo freekick that followed three minutes later. Two-nil down. Game over. That was certainly the feeling with the Arsenal support. There just isn’t the belief anymore. Some might question the fans – especially the ones who felt it necessary to leave after the third went in – but it’s difficult to blame them.
How much investment do they put in – emotional and financial? A lot, is the answer. They are entitled to expect a little more in return. More effort. More quality. More passion. What the fans got last night was a ‘fuck you’. ‘Fuck you for caring’. How cruel a mistress football can be.
Of course everyone is now rolling out the familiar accusations: Arsenal have no experience; it was men against boys; Wenger needs to go. The truth is less dramatic.
Yes Arsenal were second best throughout. Yes this is not where we want to be. And yes Wenger needs to strengthen in the summer. But there is no need to panic. Our Kenyan friend perhaps jumped the gun and it is unfortunate that he won’t be around to regret his hasty decision.
First of all, it is an impressive achievement in itself to get to the semi-final of the Champions League, especially in the context of Arsenal’s ever-presence in the competition under Wenger and our appearance in the final three years ago.
Secondly, although we were comprehensively outplayed in the first leg, in the second leg we were extremely unfortunate to concede such an early goal. A bright start had indicated a victory might be on the cards, but the wind was taken from our sails by an early slip which resulted in a goal. I don’t blame Kieran Gibbs, it was an accident. Sadly it was an accident that could not have happened at a worse time.
This, however, brings me to my third point: injuries. Young Gibbs would not have been playing if first-choice left-back Gael Clichy had been fit. It’s fair to point out that title winning teams need good squad depth, but this season, at various points, and for a significant number or games, Arsenal have had to make do without Eduardo, Walcott, Rosicky, RvP, Fabregas, Diaby, Gallas, Clichy, Adebayor and Djourou. That’s one short of an entire team.
To make matters worse these injuries have tended to stack up in the most awkward of ways. This was most obvious when, during the same period as welcoming back the attacking trio of Fabregas, Walcott and Eduardo, we lost the defensive quartet of Almunia, Clichy, Gallas and Sagna. My intention here is not to moan, but simply to point out that things could have been different had lady luck had been a bit kinder with injuries.
The final reason to remain quietly optimistic is the state of the squad. Some players have clearly underperformed this season and the manager would do well to ship them out. I’m thinking mainly of Adebayor (lazy), Diaby (greedy) and Silvestre (shit). Denilson, Bendtner, Djourou and Song have not exactly set the world alight either but I have seen enough from them, given their young age, to think they’re worth holding on to.
Other than that the team is very good. I rate Fabregas, Theo, Nasri, Gallas, Clichy, Sagna, Toure, RvP and Almunia all pretty highly. If we can add to these the experience, energy and strength that we quite clearly need, then we will have a very competitive team next year, especially with the exceptionally talented Andrei Arshavin now involved.
This guy is pure class. He also has experience. Not only will he be instrumental in the coming seasons, but I suspect his eye-catching introduction to English football will have convinced Wenger that splashing out on top draw players – as long as they are the right players – can be worth every penny.
There are likely to be funds available during the summer thanks to the continued interest and investment from Kroenke and his rival Usmanov. Couple this with Wenger’s guile in the transfer market, and the undoubted ambition of the club’s new Managing Director Ivan Gazidis, and there is reason to believe a much needed overhaul will begin in the summer.
Given Wenger’s forlorn look and unusually introspective comments following last night’s defeat – and given also that the defeat effectively ended Arsenal’s involvement in meaningful competition this season, save perhaps an outside shot at stealing 3rd from Chelsea – there is a possibility that the recruitment drive has already begun.
Monday 6 April 2009
Beware the axe wielding Welshman
Writing a blog is a tricky business. I know many writers possess the enviable ability to eject the contents of their brains across the page with faultless eloquence, but for most of us there is more than a little finicking involved.
I’m worse than most. In fact, I’ve just wasted ten minutes of my life trying to decide between ‘finicking’ and ‘nitpicking’. Oh the irony. This anality is exactly the kind of destructive tendency you must avoid if you want to be a journalist. There simply isn’t time to weigh the merits of ‘old’ vs. ‘antiquated’, ‘free’ vs. ‘liberate’, ‘hooters’ vs. ‘norks’.
In case you were wondering, this isn’t the reason why most newspaper articles read like they’ve been written by a child. The short sentences and simple words are for the benefit of you, the reader.
Science has proven that the average person is intellectually equivalent to a cucumber, so hacks are trained to write in a way that would not flummox your typical salad vegetable. I’m exaggerating – slightly – but in all seriousness, copy for most newspapers is written to accommodate a reading age of about five.
Understandably, this takes some of the enjoyment out of writing. That’s why writing a blog is such a pleasure. I’m not interested in what I write being accessible to kids – or retards. I afford you guys a little more respect than that. If I were to launch, whimsically, into a lexiphanic discourse on the perils of unrestrained magniloquence, I’d be happy you were all still on board.
Yet it’s very difficult to keep such a discerning audience entertained. Stories about my collection of antique snorkels leave people in jaw dropped amazement for only so long. In order to achieve sustained levels of interest, I need to pull out the big guns. That’s right: I’m going to have to start cussing mans down.
The plain reality is that people love hearing other people mercilessly ripped to pieces by dark-hearted misanthropes. Charlie Brooker makes a living out of it – and he’s a ruddy genius. The problem is, you have to not give a flying funk about offending people. Unfortunately, I do give a funk. Every reader counts, you see.
In fact, there is a very real chance I’ve already shot myself in the foot by using the word ‘retards’. Some people get really upset about that kind of language. It’s hurtful, apparently. Such hyper-sensitivity is ridiculous to me, but given that I’m in no position to be turning people away I guess I should lay off the mentally challenged.
Other people you must be wary of insulting for fear of assassination by crazed fanatics. I speak, of course, of the Welsh. Those people just do not have a sense of humour about themselves. I can get away with saying that because I’m actually a little bit Welsh myself. It’s not something I like to advertise but it has saved me from being beheaded on more than one occasion.
Take out the Welsh and the retards and you’re not left with many options – even accounting for the huge crossover. I suppose the Eskimos are due for a fucking hammering. They’ve been getting off easy for years. So have the Swedish for that matter. I’ll have a think about it. It might be that I can just pick on celebrities everyone hates, like that pillock Ashley Cole.
I’m worse than most. In fact, I’ve just wasted ten minutes of my life trying to decide between ‘finicking’ and ‘nitpicking’. Oh the irony. This anality is exactly the kind of destructive tendency you must avoid if you want to be a journalist. There simply isn’t time to weigh the merits of ‘old’ vs. ‘antiquated’, ‘free’ vs. ‘liberate’, ‘hooters’ vs. ‘norks’.
In case you were wondering, this isn’t the reason why most newspaper articles read like they’ve been written by a child. The short sentences and simple words are for the benefit of you, the reader.
Science has proven that the average person is intellectually equivalent to a cucumber, so hacks are trained to write in a way that would not flummox your typical salad vegetable. I’m exaggerating – slightly – but in all seriousness, copy for most newspapers is written to accommodate a reading age of about five.
Understandably, this takes some of the enjoyment out of writing. That’s why writing a blog is such a pleasure. I’m not interested in what I write being accessible to kids – or retards. I afford you guys a little more respect than that. If I were to launch, whimsically, into a lexiphanic discourse on the perils of unrestrained magniloquence, I’d be happy you were all still on board.
Yet it’s very difficult to keep such a discerning audience entertained. Stories about my collection of antique snorkels leave people in jaw dropped amazement for only so long. In order to achieve sustained levels of interest, I need to pull out the big guns. That’s right: I’m going to have to start cussing mans down.
The plain reality is that people love hearing other people mercilessly ripped to pieces by dark-hearted misanthropes. Charlie Brooker makes a living out of it – and he’s a ruddy genius. The problem is, you have to not give a flying funk about offending people. Unfortunately, I do give a funk. Every reader counts, you see.
In fact, there is a very real chance I’ve already shot myself in the foot by using the word ‘retards’. Some people get really upset about that kind of language. It’s hurtful, apparently. Such hyper-sensitivity is ridiculous to me, but given that I’m in no position to be turning people away I guess I should lay off the mentally challenged.
Other people you must be wary of insulting for fear of assassination by crazed fanatics. I speak, of course, of the Welsh. Those people just do not have a sense of humour about themselves. I can get away with saying that because I’m actually a little bit Welsh myself. It’s not something I like to advertise but it has saved me from being beheaded on more than one occasion.
Take out the Welsh and the retards and you’re not left with many options – even accounting for the huge crossover. I suppose the Eskimos are due for a fucking hammering. They’ve been getting off easy for years. So have the Swedish for that matter. I’ll have a think about it. It might be that I can just pick on celebrities everyone hates, like that pillock Ashley Cole.
Thursday 26 March 2009
Branded losers but looking for a strong finish
I haven’t written anything for a while. Bad, I know, but I’ve been really busy.
Who am I kidding… you can see right through me. I’m like a pair of Russell Brand’s hermetically-sealed trousers – without the disconcerting bulge and encrusted melange of DNA. (Well, at least not today).
The reality is that I’ve been slack. Very slack. Slack in way that’s nothing like Mr Brand’s pants and rather more like his promiscuous behaviour.
Not that I think he’s improper. He does what most men, perhaps even most women, would like to do but can’t – either because of a distinct lack of game or because of a spineless acquiescence to cultural sensibilities.
Papers are filled with stories about Brand’s sexual ‘deviancy’ because it allows us to turn the table and claim he’s the one with the problem. Yet, from a loosely Darwinian perspective, Brand is a winner. More than that. He is winner of epic proportions.
Indeed if it wasn’t for contraceptive (and no doubt abortive) technology, Brand would have spawned an army of sesquipedalian cockneys large enough to conquer Western Europe.
Sesquipedalian. I love that word. It has a beautiful symmetry to it because it is an example of exactly what it describes. Whoever created it had a marvellous sense of humour.
Anyway, where was I? I was talking about Russell Brand, wasn’t I? Actually, I wasn’t really meaning to talk about Russell Brand - I just went off on a bit of a tangent. I was actually meaning to talk about football, because it’s been a while since I had a rant and since that time much has changed with the old Arsenal.
Last time I wrote about football I was in a bit of a depression about the spiralling misfortunes of the Gunners. It appeared then that Villa might establish an insurmountable lead in the race for fourth spot and that Arsenal might actually end up without a Champions League spot for the first time in over a decade, with dire implications for the club’s finances.
However, in the intervening weeks a remarkable turnaround has occurred. Some rich Arsenal form has coincided with some poor Villa form and a gap that could have stretched to eight points if Villa had held on to a 2-0 lead at home to Stoke is now 3 – in Arsenal’s favour!
There is still enough time to throw it away again but at present things are looking pretty rosy, especially with an FA Cup semi-final and a Champions League quarter-final to look forward to. Feasibly Arsenal could still end the season with two prestigious trophies and Champions League football for next season (though we would have this anyway if we were to win the CL).
The confidence and dynamism has started to flow back, even without the still injured Fabregas, Adebayor, Rosicky and the re-injured Walcott and Eduardo. The revival is so dramatic, and, indeed, so timely, that we may well curse the fact that our run of goalless draws put us just too far behind to catch up. We’re certainly not beyond catching Chelsea to nick third.
Come on lads, you can do it!
Who am I kidding… you can see right through me. I’m like a pair of Russell Brand’s hermetically-sealed trousers – without the disconcerting bulge and encrusted melange of DNA. (Well, at least not today).
The reality is that I’ve been slack. Very slack. Slack in way that’s nothing like Mr Brand’s pants and rather more like his promiscuous behaviour.
Not that I think he’s improper. He does what most men, perhaps even most women, would like to do but can’t – either because of a distinct lack of game or because of a spineless acquiescence to cultural sensibilities.
Papers are filled with stories about Brand’s sexual ‘deviancy’ because it allows us to turn the table and claim he’s the one with the problem. Yet, from a loosely Darwinian perspective, Brand is a winner. More than that. He is winner of epic proportions.
Indeed if it wasn’t for contraceptive (and no doubt abortive) technology, Brand would have spawned an army of sesquipedalian cockneys large enough to conquer Western Europe.
Sesquipedalian. I love that word. It has a beautiful symmetry to it because it is an example of exactly what it describes. Whoever created it had a marvellous sense of humour.
Anyway, where was I? I was talking about Russell Brand, wasn’t I? Actually, I wasn’t really meaning to talk about Russell Brand - I just went off on a bit of a tangent. I was actually meaning to talk about football, because it’s been a while since I had a rant and since that time much has changed with the old Arsenal.
Last time I wrote about football I was in a bit of a depression about the spiralling misfortunes of the Gunners. It appeared then that Villa might establish an insurmountable lead in the race for fourth spot and that Arsenal might actually end up without a Champions League spot for the first time in over a decade, with dire implications for the club’s finances.
However, in the intervening weeks a remarkable turnaround has occurred. Some rich Arsenal form has coincided with some poor Villa form and a gap that could have stretched to eight points if Villa had held on to a 2-0 lead at home to Stoke is now 3 – in Arsenal’s favour!
There is still enough time to throw it away again but at present things are looking pretty rosy, especially with an FA Cup semi-final and a Champions League quarter-final to look forward to. Feasibly Arsenal could still end the season with two prestigious trophies and Champions League football for next season (though we would have this anyway if we were to win the CL).
The confidence and dynamism has started to flow back, even without the still injured Fabregas, Adebayor, Rosicky and the re-injured Walcott and Eduardo. The revival is so dramatic, and, indeed, so timely, that we may well curse the fact that our run of goalless draws put us just too far behind to catch up. We’re certainly not beyond catching Chelsea to nick third.
Come on lads, you can do it!
Friday 6 March 2009
Kebabs are bad for you - apparently
Scientists have revealed some startling new information. It’s being claimed as one of the breakthroughs of the decade, if not the century. Whisper it quietly, but it appears the good-old donner kebab might actually be doing us harm:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2009/mar/05/kebab-takeaways-food-safety
I know, I know, it’s hard to believe, but a study carried out by the Health Protection Agency (HPA) has found that 4.7% of salads and sauces served at kebab takeaways contain “unsatisfactory” levels of bacteria, and that 0.4% contain “unacceptable or potentially hazardous” levels, meaning the mouth-watering delights were, contrary to appearance, unfit for human consumption!
I’m sure donner-philes across the nation are finding this news almost as difficult to digest as yesterday’s dinner. Can the humble kebab, a staple of al fresco dining from Grimsby to Croydon, really be a threat to public health?
Of course it is you bone heads! How many hours and thousands of pounds have been wasted in “discovering” what my mottled toilet bowl could attest after one of my ill-advised but thankfully rare moonlit drop-ins to the local germ emporium?
I don’t think it will come as a shock to anyone who has ever been inside a kebab shop that they are, more often than not, a picture book of poor hygiene.
It is not surprising in the slightest that they operate like an oversized bacterial incubator, lovingly nurturing their microscopic clientele on a feast of heat-regulated chilli sauce, “fresh” salad and fine cuts of reconstituted meat of indeterminate origin.
The problem is, people who frequent kebab shops are not the greatest exponents of good judgement at the best of times. Even without added microbes, donner kebab remains a questionable dinner choice.
The vast majority of us only succumb to the temptation when we are hungry late at night and nothing else is open and our rational faculties have been eroded by similarly ill-advised levels of alcohol.
Indeed, we never seem to heed the health warnings relating to alcohol consumption so the chances of us ditching our drunken donner or burger or fried chicken for rye bread and organic hummus is fairly close to zero.
The point of the study is clearly to initiate a clampdown on the peddlers of poor hygiene, which is no doubt a good thing; I’m just not sure it will mean that much to the people it actually affects.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2009/mar/05/kebab-takeaways-food-safety
I know, I know, it’s hard to believe, but a study carried out by the Health Protection Agency (HPA) has found that 4.7% of salads and sauces served at kebab takeaways contain “unsatisfactory” levels of bacteria, and that 0.4% contain “unacceptable or potentially hazardous” levels, meaning the mouth-watering delights were, contrary to appearance, unfit for human consumption!
I’m sure donner-philes across the nation are finding this news almost as difficult to digest as yesterday’s dinner. Can the humble kebab, a staple of al fresco dining from Grimsby to Croydon, really be a threat to public health?
Of course it is you bone heads! How many hours and thousands of pounds have been wasted in “discovering” what my mottled toilet bowl could attest after one of my ill-advised but thankfully rare moonlit drop-ins to the local germ emporium?
I don’t think it will come as a shock to anyone who has ever been inside a kebab shop that they are, more often than not, a picture book of poor hygiene.
It is not surprising in the slightest that they operate like an oversized bacterial incubator, lovingly nurturing their microscopic clientele on a feast of heat-regulated chilli sauce, “fresh” salad and fine cuts of reconstituted meat of indeterminate origin.
The problem is, people who frequent kebab shops are not the greatest exponents of good judgement at the best of times. Even without added microbes, donner kebab remains a questionable dinner choice.
The vast majority of us only succumb to the temptation when we are hungry late at night and nothing else is open and our rational faculties have been eroded by similarly ill-advised levels of alcohol.
Indeed, we never seem to heed the health warnings relating to alcohol consumption so the chances of us ditching our drunken donner or burger or fried chicken for rye bread and organic hummus is fairly close to zero.
The point of the study is clearly to initiate a clampdown on the peddlers of poor hygiene, which is no doubt a good thing; I’m just not sure it will mean that much to the people it actually affects.
Saturday 21 February 2009
Criticism should motivate Adebayor to up his game
Arsenal's struggles this term have fostered a growing sense of dissatisfaction among the support towards some of the team’s perceived underperformers. Nicklas Bendtner, Emmanuel Eboue and Emmanuel Adebayor have been the three biggest victims of the boo-boys this season.
In a recent incident, Adebayor was apparently subjected to a verbal attack at Lagos airport. The disgruntled fan is reported to have yelled: “You get paid £80,000 a week to put the ball in the back of the net and you’re still fucking rubbish. I pay good money for a season ticket to pay your wages.”
The full story can be read here:
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/sport/football/article2259312.ece
The extent to which each player has earned this abuse differs. Eboue has been pretty poor, and his childish behaviour does nothing to help his cause; but in his defence he is clearly being played out of position.
Bendtner is another one whose attitude lets him down. At his best he is a great player, the problem is we rarely see his best. This is expected of a young player and does not in itself make him deserving of derision. What rankles with the fans is his apparent arrogance, which appears acutely unwarranted.
However, for all their flaws, it can at least be said of Eboue and Bendtner that they try hard, Bendtner especially. Adebayor, by contrast, seems to be living on passed glories.
Last season was a fruitful one for the towering Togolese. He stepped out of the shadows after the departure of T14 to plunder 30 goals in all competitions – a wonderful return.
It was off the back of this that he became a man in demand. Milan and Barcelona were among the clubs trying to prise him from Arsenal, with bids around the £25m mark being touted.
Arsenal, however, held firm. They demonstrated their intention to keep hold of their best players by offering the striker a sizeable salary increase to extend his contract. Despite the lure of two of Europe’s glamour clubs, Adebayor was persuaded to sign on.
This should have been springboard for another explosive season, yet it appears to onlookers that Adebayor has gone backwards. It’s not just that the goals have dried up, but the tireless running and harrying that was the basis of his success last term appears to have evaporated also.
It seems to many fans that Adebayor has fallen for his own hype. He is satisfied with his new contract and has simply stopped trying as hard. This has left some ruing the missed opportunity to cash-in on the striker during the summer, with media reports suggesting he may be shipped out this time round for significantly less money.
Of course hindsight is a wonderful thing. Although fans were upset by Adebayor’s apparent soliciting of new suitors to secure a bigger contract, there is no doubt that many were unhappy with the prospect of the club’s star striker being sold for the second successive year.
Arsenal were in serious danger of being labelled a selling club – the kiss of death for a team with ambitions to attract top players and challenge for honours. It was therefore imperative that Arsenal flex their muscle and resist the advances from Italy and Spain.
That the decision perhaps appears wrong in retrospect is irrelevant. The fact is that the Arsenal board had a very difficult decision to make.
In the end they decided to avoid the inevitable backlash that would have followed Adebayor’s departure. It is one thing to offload the aging legs of Vieira, Henry and Pires; quite another to be forced into the sale of player in his prime.
The only remedy for this situation is for Adebayor to pull his proverbial socks up. He needs to stop taking his place in the side for granted and show again why he has drawn the gaze of the likes of Milan. If he does this he will silence the critics and go some way to helping Arsenal return to the top four.
In a recent incident, Adebayor was apparently subjected to a verbal attack at Lagos airport. The disgruntled fan is reported to have yelled: “You get paid £80,000 a week to put the ball in the back of the net and you’re still fucking rubbish. I pay good money for a season ticket to pay your wages.”
The full story can be read here:
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/sport/football/article2259312.ece
The extent to which each player has earned this abuse differs. Eboue has been pretty poor, and his childish behaviour does nothing to help his cause; but in his defence he is clearly being played out of position.
Bendtner is another one whose attitude lets him down. At his best he is a great player, the problem is we rarely see his best. This is expected of a young player and does not in itself make him deserving of derision. What rankles with the fans is his apparent arrogance, which appears acutely unwarranted.
However, for all their flaws, it can at least be said of Eboue and Bendtner that they try hard, Bendtner especially. Adebayor, by contrast, seems to be living on passed glories.
Last season was a fruitful one for the towering Togolese. He stepped out of the shadows after the departure of T14 to plunder 30 goals in all competitions – a wonderful return.
It was off the back of this that he became a man in demand. Milan and Barcelona were among the clubs trying to prise him from Arsenal, with bids around the £25m mark being touted.
Arsenal, however, held firm. They demonstrated their intention to keep hold of their best players by offering the striker a sizeable salary increase to extend his contract. Despite the lure of two of Europe’s glamour clubs, Adebayor was persuaded to sign on.
This should have been springboard for another explosive season, yet it appears to onlookers that Adebayor has gone backwards. It’s not just that the goals have dried up, but the tireless running and harrying that was the basis of his success last term appears to have evaporated also.
It seems to many fans that Adebayor has fallen for his own hype. He is satisfied with his new contract and has simply stopped trying as hard. This has left some ruing the missed opportunity to cash-in on the striker during the summer, with media reports suggesting he may be shipped out this time round for significantly less money.
Of course hindsight is a wonderful thing. Although fans were upset by Adebayor’s apparent soliciting of new suitors to secure a bigger contract, there is no doubt that many were unhappy with the prospect of the club’s star striker being sold for the second successive year.
Arsenal were in serious danger of being labelled a selling club – the kiss of death for a team with ambitions to attract top players and challenge for honours. It was therefore imperative that Arsenal flex their muscle and resist the advances from Italy and Spain.
That the decision perhaps appears wrong in retrospect is irrelevant. The fact is that the Arsenal board had a very difficult decision to make.
In the end they decided to avoid the inevitable backlash that would have followed Adebayor’s departure. It is one thing to offload the aging legs of Vieira, Henry and Pires; quite another to be forced into the sale of player in his prime.
The only remedy for this situation is for Adebayor to pull his proverbial socks up. He needs to stop taking his place in the side for granted and show again why he has drawn the gaze of the likes of Milan. If he does this he will silence the critics and go some way to helping Arsenal return to the top four.
Thursday 19 February 2009
Eduardo’s return highlights Arsenal’s problem
The news is that Eduardo has suffered a setback in his return from injury. Thankfully it’s not directly related to the horrific break he sustained almost a year ago but the pulled hamstring is expected to keep him out for another couple of weeks.
Talking to Arsenal TV Online on Thursday, manager Arsène Wenger said these types of setbacks are to be expected.
“Nobody knows how it happened,” he said, “but I knew straight away after the game it would be a two-week job. It is nothing like he had before but I do know that little set-backs like this are part of being nine months out.
“After that long out, nobody plays six months on the trot. It is impossible.”
That will not change the fact that this is a blow to Arsenal. The dynamic brand of football that has become a hallmark of Arsène Wenger’s team has been missing of late, yet it appeared to have returned along with the reintroduction of Eduardo in Monday night’s rescheduled FA Cup fourth round replay against Cardiff.
His smart link up play and off-the-ball running opened up the away team’s defences again and again, and showed everyone exactly what the team had been missing since that fateful day in Birmingham.
Indeed his impact was such that it made me wonder how the team might have fared if the terrible injury had never occurred. Might Arsenal have won the league last year? The question is academic, but there’s every possibility.
Some people will argue, however, that injuries are part and parcel of the game and that a squad needs to be able to cope with them. Indeed I often hear it said these days that it’s the team with the best squad that wins the league. Man United being a case in point.
There is a large dollop of truth in this argument, but what it fails to take account of is the fact that a top football team is like a well-oiled engine.
You get the desired result only if all the constituent parts are operational. If a part is damaged, a skilled mechanic may be able to find a temporary solution, but the engine will only return to full working order if the broken part is either replaced or fixed.
It is practically impossible to have a direct replacement for every player in the team. Most managers could not afford it and, even if they could, there would be the added problem of having to rotate to keep players happy.
Having a good squad therefore means having a good balance of players that can deputise for each other on a short-term basis. With long-term injuries, however, the only ways to restore equilibrium are to purchase a direct replacement or wait until the injured player returns.
Arsène Wenger parted with significant funds to bring Eduardo to the Emirates to perform a specific and crucial role in his team. When Eduardo got injured, his team suffered a breach that it was near impossible to repair.
Not having the funds to replace the player, Wenger was forced to make do with an unconvincing patch-up job until this week. Unsurprisingly this has had a massive impact on the fortunes of his team.
Much has been made of Arsenal’s poor form this term, but it is easily overlooked just how beset by injury the squad has been.
Another key figure out for over a year has been Tomas Rosicky. ‘The Little Mozart’ so nicknamed has been in and out of the team with injuries so often that people forget just how big a loss he is, yet we’re talking here about the captain of the Czech Republic.
The injury woes suffered by Robin van Persie in past seasons are well known. Thankfully, this season, he seems okay, yet the club have instead been hit by long-term injuries to Theo Walcott and Cesc Fabregas. To compound the situation, the injuries seem to be unduly concentrated on the team’s attacking options.
You can say a title-winning manager needs a squad that can cope with injuries, but no manager can possibly legislate for the number of injuries Arsenal have had all at the same time.
The extent of the problem is highlighted by the fact that when the injured return, Arsène Wenger will have to pick from an attacking line-up of Van Persie, Adebayor, Eduardo, Bendtner, Vela, Rosicky, Walcott, Fabregas, Arshavin and Nasri. That’s one short of an entire team.
I’m just hoping the manager get’s the opportunity before the season is out.
Talking to Arsenal TV Online on Thursday, manager Arsène Wenger said these types of setbacks are to be expected.
“Nobody knows how it happened,” he said, “but I knew straight away after the game it would be a two-week job. It is nothing like he had before but I do know that little set-backs like this are part of being nine months out.
“After that long out, nobody plays six months on the trot. It is impossible.”
That will not change the fact that this is a blow to Arsenal. The dynamic brand of football that has become a hallmark of Arsène Wenger’s team has been missing of late, yet it appeared to have returned along with the reintroduction of Eduardo in Monday night’s rescheduled FA Cup fourth round replay against Cardiff.
His smart link up play and off-the-ball running opened up the away team’s defences again and again, and showed everyone exactly what the team had been missing since that fateful day in Birmingham.
Indeed his impact was such that it made me wonder how the team might have fared if the terrible injury had never occurred. Might Arsenal have won the league last year? The question is academic, but there’s every possibility.
Some people will argue, however, that injuries are part and parcel of the game and that a squad needs to be able to cope with them. Indeed I often hear it said these days that it’s the team with the best squad that wins the league. Man United being a case in point.
There is a large dollop of truth in this argument, but what it fails to take account of is the fact that a top football team is like a well-oiled engine.
You get the desired result only if all the constituent parts are operational. If a part is damaged, a skilled mechanic may be able to find a temporary solution, but the engine will only return to full working order if the broken part is either replaced or fixed.
It is practically impossible to have a direct replacement for every player in the team. Most managers could not afford it and, even if they could, there would be the added problem of having to rotate to keep players happy.
Having a good squad therefore means having a good balance of players that can deputise for each other on a short-term basis. With long-term injuries, however, the only ways to restore equilibrium are to purchase a direct replacement or wait until the injured player returns.
Arsène Wenger parted with significant funds to bring Eduardo to the Emirates to perform a specific and crucial role in his team. When Eduardo got injured, his team suffered a breach that it was near impossible to repair.
Not having the funds to replace the player, Wenger was forced to make do with an unconvincing patch-up job until this week. Unsurprisingly this has had a massive impact on the fortunes of his team.
Much has been made of Arsenal’s poor form this term, but it is easily overlooked just how beset by injury the squad has been.
Another key figure out for over a year has been Tomas Rosicky. ‘The Little Mozart’ so nicknamed has been in and out of the team with injuries so often that people forget just how big a loss he is, yet we’re talking here about the captain of the Czech Republic.
The injury woes suffered by Robin van Persie in past seasons are well known. Thankfully, this season, he seems okay, yet the club have instead been hit by long-term injuries to Theo Walcott and Cesc Fabregas. To compound the situation, the injuries seem to be unduly concentrated on the team’s attacking options.
You can say a title-winning manager needs a squad that can cope with injuries, but no manager can possibly legislate for the number of injuries Arsenal have had all at the same time.
The extent of the problem is highlighted by the fact that when the injured return, Arsène Wenger will have to pick from an attacking line-up of Van Persie, Adebayor, Eduardo, Bendtner, Vela, Rosicky, Walcott, Fabregas, Arshavin and Nasri. That’s one short of an entire team.
I’m just hoping the manager get’s the opportunity before the season is out.
Monday 16 February 2009
Writer's bollock
Hi guys! So look, here’s the deal. I’ve been racking my brain trying to come up with something good to write. It’s been hard going.
There’s always the failsafe formula: a drawn-out diatribe about the increasingly un-mighty Arsenal.
Scribing something with genuine insight and originality is rare, but knocking out the kind of throwaway tat you’d think twice about using to wipe your arse is as easy as… well… wiping your arse.
It’s the journalistic equivalent of heading down the pub with the lads, sinking ten pints and putting the brain on autopilot. I wonder what percentage of pub-based interactions begin with the hook: so, did you see the match? It’s a straightforward icebreaker. It puts men at ease because there’s just always more worthless drivel you can spout about football.
Sadly, however, there is only so much one can read, which is why I am attempting to free myself from the stifling embrace of football chatter. But it’s hard. I feel lost and emasculated. I’m kicking frantically but I’m barely able to keep my head above water.
Death is hastened by the downward thrusts of those kicking alongside me. Natural selection at its cruel best. To make matters worse, some make it look easy. Effortlessly they rise, their winged silhouettes just visible against the brilliant sunlight. Every beat lifts them further from the dead and dying.
Fjhdeoffeujdefwui9j pujrgfujro9ujre ujwqu9y549uf. What the… Oh… I’m sorry. It appears I stopped writing for a second and involuntarily started beating myself about the head with my keyboard. Where was I? Ah, yes, writing.
I don’t know why, but I do sometimes find it really difficult write. It’s not that I have difficulty finding the words to express myself, I just don’t think I have anything worth saying. Perhaps I’m being harsh on myself – or perhaps I do in fact lead a life so boring that I can’t even be bothered to fin…
There’s always the failsafe formula: a drawn-out diatribe about the increasingly un-mighty Arsenal.
Scribing something with genuine insight and originality is rare, but knocking out the kind of throwaway tat you’d think twice about using to wipe your arse is as easy as… well… wiping your arse.
It’s the journalistic equivalent of heading down the pub with the lads, sinking ten pints and putting the brain on autopilot. I wonder what percentage of pub-based interactions begin with the hook: so, did you see the match? It’s a straightforward icebreaker. It puts men at ease because there’s just always more worthless drivel you can spout about football.
Sadly, however, there is only so much one can read, which is why I am attempting to free myself from the stifling embrace of football chatter. But it’s hard. I feel lost and emasculated. I’m kicking frantically but I’m barely able to keep my head above water.
Death is hastened by the downward thrusts of those kicking alongside me. Natural selection at its cruel best. To make matters worse, some make it look easy. Effortlessly they rise, their winged silhouettes just visible against the brilliant sunlight. Every beat lifts them further from the dead and dying.
Fjhdeoffeujdefwui9j pujrgfujro9ujre ujwqu9y549uf. What the… Oh… I’m sorry. It appears I stopped writing for a second and involuntarily started beating myself about the head with my keyboard. Where was I? Ah, yes, writing.
I don’t know why, but I do sometimes find it really difficult write. It’s not that I have difficulty finding the words to express myself, I just don’t think I have anything worth saying. Perhaps I’m being harsh on myself – or perhaps I do in fact lead a life so boring that I can’t even be bothered to fin…
Monday 9 February 2009
The Demise of Arsenal?
The myriad football forums and message boards on the internet do not make pleasant reading for Arsenal fans. With the exception of a few doughty souls, those with the will to pass comment speak in unison: Arsenal are a team on the slide.
Our best days are behind us, we are told. Our team is too young. Our new stadium has crippled us financially making us unable to compete in the transfer market.
We are, apparently, no longer a top team. We will soon be relegated to a meagre existence of UEFA Cup football, unable to gorge on the luxuriant delights served on Europe’s top table. In our place will be everyone’s new favourite second team: Aston Villa.
Villa are loved almost as much as Arsenal are despised. Crudely, this is because Aston Villa, unlike Arsenal, have the celebrated “English core”. You see, you can’t win anything with pampered foreign pansies. Some people want nothing more than to see the stoic English lionhearts put one over the cheese-eating surrender monkeys.
What interests me is whether the doom-mongers and gleeful opposition fans are right? How much of the talk can be put down to sledging tactics, media hyperbole and latent xenophobia, and how much is sound judgement based on good evidence?
Honestly, I think there’s little of substance in all the chatter.
Clearly, Arsenal have had a poor season. Their underachievement is marked against a previous season in which the club flirted with success and is highlighted still further by the strides made my Villa in the current campaign.
Much of this poor form can be attributed to bad luck with injuries. To be without four key attacking outlets – Rosicky, Fabregas, Walcott and Eduardo – for significant lengths of time is something the manager could not legislate for.
This lack of potency is evidenced by a worrying goal drought and partly explains the club’s decision to depart from the established transfer strategy and spend big on the relatively ancient Andrei Arshavin.
In addition to the unforeseen problems, there are problems that Wenger has brought on himself. Even my pet mole could see that last season's progress was founded largely on the superb midfield combination of Fabregas and Flamini… or Fabini… or Flabregas.
Flamini’s tireless running and tackling gave Fabregas the time and space to work his magic. Given the opportunity to get his head up, Fabregas was able to pick out the willing runs of Adebayor and Eduardo time and time again. The supply line was so bountiful that the naturally profligate Adebayor was able to plunder 30 goals.
Wenger clearly did not expect Flamini to leave – I’m sure he would have held on to Diarra otherwise. Yet once it became clear that Flamini was to accept the advances of Milan, Wenger should have made it his number one priority to find a suitable replacement.
If reports are to be believed, Wenger did indeed try to find a successor in the form of either Gokhan Inler or Xabi Alonso. However he made it clear that he would not pay over the odds for his man, assuring us that he had confidence in the players already at the club to rise to the challenge.
Though he would never admit it, that confidence appears to have been misplaced. Perhaps in contrast to the majority, I actually think Diaby and Denilson – the two players most frequently deployed in defensive midfield this season – are both good players. In fact, I’ve seen enough to think they have the potential to be great players.
That said, I don’t think they are very good defensive midfielders. Denilson does not have the physicality to defend and Diaby does not have the inclination. Had Wenger purchased the right kind of player to partner Cesc, the season may have been different.
Wenger would also have done well to purchase a real battering ram of a defender. Like good centre-mid partnerships, a good defensive pairing will compliment each other's talents. One to get to every first ball and one to mop up and bring the ball out of defence. Arsenal have several players who fit into the second mould but none who fit into the first.
Given these problems, why do I think the prognostications of demise are premature?
Well, simply, because the problems Arsenal have are easily remedied. There is clearly a lot of talent, both current and future. All that is needed are a number of choice acquisitions in the positions already mentioned. Given what the team nearly achieved last season, there is no reason to think they cannot do one better once the deficiencies are properly addressed.
The team may be hard pushed to make the Champions League this season given Villa’s relentless form, but Villa’s form must be seen for exactly what it is: form.
Things can change very quickly in football and there’s no reason to think Villa have what it takes to permanently deprive Arsenal of their top four status. Class, as they say, is permanent, and people are quick to dismiss the fact that Arsenal’s success is build on years of experience in the top echelons of the league.
Financially too the club is extremely well managed. The new stadium may have required a tightening of the belt, but the loan repayments are manageable. Just like a homeowner repaying a mortgage, Arsenal still have disposable income. What is more, this is income generated by the club itself and not gifted by a wealthy benefactor.
Unlike like Leeds, the club’s business model is not dependent on Champions League qualification. Although the loss of the Champions League revenue would be harmful, it would not be mortal.
People have suggested the greatest danger would not be loss of income but the loss of prestige and the loss of players that would result in failure to reach Europe’s premier club competition. There is always this possibility, but I’m confident that Arsenal’s players would choose to stay.
Firstly, they would shoulder some of the blame for the club’s failure to qualify and I think professional pride would motivate them to stay and put the record straight.
Secondly, the majority of Arsenal’s players are young enough that a season out of the Champions League would not be a disaster. If the team failed to qualify for successive seasons, the situation would change.
There are recent precedents in the form of Bayern Munich and AC Milan that a single season without Champions League is not fatal. Indeed, Bayern Munich successfully recruited Franck Ribery and Luca Toni without the lure of Champions League football and Milan captured both Flamini and Ronaldinho.
If Arsenal continue to adopt a long-term prudential strategy there is no reason to think they will go the way of Leeds and every reason to think that they will resist the challenge from below and get back to challenging for domestic and European honours.
Our best days are behind us, we are told. Our team is too young. Our new stadium has crippled us financially making us unable to compete in the transfer market.
We are, apparently, no longer a top team. We will soon be relegated to a meagre existence of UEFA Cup football, unable to gorge on the luxuriant delights served on Europe’s top table. In our place will be everyone’s new favourite second team: Aston Villa.
Villa are loved almost as much as Arsenal are despised. Crudely, this is because Aston Villa, unlike Arsenal, have the celebrated “English core”. You see, you can’t win anything with pampered foreign pansies. Some people want nothing more than to see the stoic English lionhearts put one over the cheese-eating surrender monkeys.
What interests me is whether the doom-mongers and gleeful opposition fans are right? How much of the talk can be put down to sledging tactics, media hyperbole and latent xenophobia, and how much is sound judgement based on good evidence?
Honestly, I think there’s little of substance in all the chatter.
Clearly, Arsenal have had a poor season. Their underachievement is marked against a previous season in which the club flirted with success and is highlighted still further by the strides made my Villa in the current campaign.
Much of this poor form can be attributed to bad luck with injuries. To be without four key attacking outlets – Rosicky, Fabregas, Walcott and Eduardo – for significant lengths of time is something the manager could not legislate for.
This lack of potency is evidenced by a worrying goal drought and partly explains the club’s decision to depart from the established transfer strategy and spend big on the relatively ancient Andrei Arshavin.
In addition to the unforeseen problems, there are problems that Wenger has brought on himself. Even my pet mole could see that last season's progress was founded largely on the superb midfield combination of Fabregas and Flamini… or Fabini… or Flabregas.
Flamini’s tireless running and tackling gave Fabregas the time and space to work his magic. Given the opportunity to get his head up, Fabregas was able to pick out the willing runs of Adebayor and Eduardo time and time again. The supply line was so bountiful that the naturally profligate Adebayor was able to plunder 30 goals.
Wenger clearly did not expect Flamini to leave – I’m sure he would have held on to Diarra otherwise. Yet once it became clear that Flamini was to accept the advances of Milan, Wenger should have made it his number one priority to find a suitable replacement.
If reports are to be believed, Wenger did indeed try to find a successor in the form of either Gokhan Inler or Xabi Alonso. However he made it clear that he would not pay over the odds for his man, assuring us that he had confidence in the players already at the club to rise to the challenge.
Though he would never admit it, that confidence appears to have been misplaced. Perhaps in contrast to the majority, I actually think Diaby and Denilson – the two players most frequently deployed in defensive midfield this season – are both good players. In fact, I’ve seen enough to think they have the potential to be great players.
That said, I don’t think they are very good defensive midfielders. Denilson does not have the physicality to defend and Diaby does not have the inclination. Had Wenger purchased the right kind of player to partner Cesc, the season may have been different.
Wenger would also have done well to purchase a real battering ram of a defender. Like good centre-mid partnerships, a good defensive pairing will compliment each other's talents. One to get to every first ball and one to mop up and bring the ball out of defence. Arsenal have several players who fit into the second mould but none who fit into the first.
Given these problems, why do I think the prognostications of demise are premature?
Well, simply, because the problems Arsenal have are easily remedied. There is clearly a lot of talent, both current and future. All that is needed are a number of choice acquisitions in the positions already mentioned. Given what the team nearly achieved last season, there is no reason to think they cannot do one better once the deficiencies are properly addressed.
The team may be hard pushed to make the Champions League this season given Villa’s relentless form, but Villa’s form must be seen for exactly what it is: form.
Things can change very quickly in football and there’s no reason to think Villa have what it takes to permanently deprive Arsenal of their top four status. Class, as they say, is permanent, and people are quick to dismiss the fact that Arsenal’s success is build on years of experience in the top echelons of the league.
Financially too the club is extremely well managed. The new stadium may have required a tightening of the belt, but the loan repayments are manageable. Just like a homeowner repaying a mortgage, Arsenal still have disposable income. What is more, this is income generated by the club itself and not gifted by a wealthy benefactor.
Unlike like Leeds, the club’s business model is not dependent on Champions League qualification. Although the loss of the Champions League revenue would be harmful, it would not be mortal.
People have suggested the greatest danger would not be loss of income but the loss of prestige and the loss of players that would result in failure to reach Europe’s premier club competition. There is always this possibility, but I’m confident that Arsenal’s players would choose to stay.
Firstly, they would shoulder some of the blame for the club’s failure to qualify and I think professional pride would motivate them to stay and put the record straight.
Secondly, the majority of Arsenal’s players are young enough that a season out of the Champions League would not be a disaster. If the team failed to qualify for successive seasons, the situation would change.
There are recent precedents in the form of Bayern Munich and AC Milan that a single season without Champions League is not fatal. Indeed, Bayern Munich successfully recruited Franck Ribery and Luca Toni without the lure of Champions League football and Milan captured both Flamini and Ronaldinho.
If Arsenal continue to adopt a long-term prudential strategy there is no reason to think they will go the way of Leeds and every reason to think that they will resist the challenge from below and get back to challenging for domestic and European honours.
Sunday 8 February 2009
Sue Barker fellating a dolphin...
I’m not a fan of cannabis. It just doesn’t really do it for me. I have had plenty of good times after hitting up the cheeba, but these days, more often than not, the effect is unwelcome.
I’m not prone to involuntary facial contortions and maniacal flailing of the limbs whilst babbling uncontrollably about the people who are quite clearly out to get me, but I do feel as though the slight heady feeling from a few puffs of the funky stuff does not adequately compensate for the self-loathing and crushing paranoia.
That being said, I appreciate that this is merely my personal experience. Some people clearly enjoy the effects of "blazing the chronic". I don’t presume to tell these people how they ought to live – especially as the pastime has minimal impact on me and everyone else.
The sanctimonious finger-pointers who get high on a homegrown strain of holier-than-thou smuggery while blowing caustic smoke in the faces of the less pious are an odious bunch of self-congratulatory hate-pushers. Keep your damn noses out of other people’s business!
It is with this in mind that I address the recent scandal over Michael Phelps. Here is a man who is considered a national hero for what he did in Beijing.
I think perhaps the media may have gone a tad overboard with the eulogising – the BBC’s coverage stopped just short of Sue Barker openly fellating Phelps as Stevie Cram massaged his cetacean sack to bursting point. Yet whichever way you looked at it, eight gold medals in a single Olympic Games is an incredible achievement.
Should a man who has achieved so much be so readily castigated for so minor an indiscretion? Is it even an indiscretion? Setting aside the legal issues, surely Michael Phelps deserves to unwind in whichever way he sees fit – he’s earned the right.
Of course, the reason for people’s indignation is exactly because Phelps is a national hero. He is an American poster boy, an embodiment of the way America views itself. His story illustrates what can be achieved through hard work and determination – the quintessential American Dream.
But just as his successes are America’s successes, so his ‘failure’ is America’s failure. Is this fair? No, of course not, but that’s reality. Phelps has learned the hard way that with his status as an American idol comes the unrealistic – perhaps unattainable – expectation of moral piety.
I’m not prone to involuntary facial contortions and maniacal flailing of the limbs whilst babbling uncontrollably about the people who are quite clearly out to get me, but I do feel as though the slight heady feeling from a few puffs of the funky stuff does not adequately compensate for the self-loathing and crushing paranoia.
That being said, I appreciate that this is merely my personal experience. Some people clearly enjoy the effects of "blazing the chronic". I don’t presume to tell these people how they ought to live – especially as the pastime has minimal impact on me and everyone else.
The sanctimonious finger-pointers who get high on a homegrown strain of holier-than-thou smuggery while blowing caustic smoke in the faces of the less pious are an odious bunch of self-congratulatory hate-pushers. Keep your damn noses out of other people’s business!
It is with this in mind that I address the recent scandal over Michael Phelps. Here is a man who is considered a national hero for what he did in Beijing.
I think perhaps the media may have gone a tad overboard with the eulogising – the BBC’s coverage stopped just short of Sue Barker openly fellating Phelps as Stevie Cram massaged his cetacean sack to bursting point. Yet whichever way you looked at it, eight gold medals in a single Olympic Games is an incredible achievement.
Should a man who has achieved so much be so readily castigated for so minor an indiscretion? Is it even an indiscretion? Setting aside the legal issues, surely Michael Phelps deserves to unwind in whichever way he sees fit – he’s earned the right.
Of course, the reason for people’s indignation is exactly because Phelps is a national hero. He is an American poster boy, an embodiment of the way America views itself. His story illustrates what can be achieved through hard work and determination – the quintessential American Dream.
But just as his successes are America’s successes, so his ‘failure’ is America’s failure. Is this fair? No, of course not, but that’s reality. Phelps has learned the hard way that with his status as an American idol comes the unrealistic – perhaps unattainable – expectation of moral piety.
Thursday 5 February 2009
Stupid people
Turning away from the endless and rather tiresome rants about football, I want to pick up on a point raised by my friend and erstwhile class-mate Charlie, in his fantabuluously well scripted blog charlie farlie's boozy thursdays (http://boozythursdays.blogspot.com/).
In his There’s no business like Snow Business entry from February 4th, he talks, among other things, about the crippling negativity that seems to have infected our nation.
On a day in which London’s children – and many of its “adults”, such as me – awoke spellbound, desperate to cling to the one outpost of joy amid the procession of gloom that has swept over this country in recent months, the main news items were all about disgruntled commuters who couldn’t get to work and the damage that would be done to our already ailing economy.
This is to be expected. Plainly, disaster sells. What annoyed me, however, as Charlie points out, is how stupid some people are.
I heard one woman say on the Ten O’clock News: “It’s ridiculous, it’s like we’re living in a third world country.”
No it’s not, you insufferable ignoramus. What’s the point in having expensive contingency plans for something that very rarely happens? It’d be like carrying round a fully-functional bionic limb in your handbag just in case your leg decides to fall off.
Of course it’s frustrating to be thwarted by factors outside of ones control, but surely there are better things to be annoyed about than having to take a day off work.
In his There’s no business like Snow Business entry from February 4th, he talks, among other things, about the crippling negativity that seems to have infected our nation.
On a day in which London’s children – and many of its “adults”, such as me – awoke spellbound, desperate to cling to the one outpost of joy amid the procession of gloom that has swept over this country in recent months, the main news items were all about disgruntled commuters who couldn’t get to work and the damage that would be done to our already ailing economy.
This is to be expected. Plainly, disaster sells. What annoyed me, however, as Charlie points out, is how stupid some people are.
I heard one woman say on the Ten O’clock News: “It’s ridiculous, it’s like we’re living in a third world country.”
No it’s not, you insufferable ignoramus. What’s the point in having expensive contingency plans for something that very rarely happens? It’d be like carrying round a fully-functional bionic limb in your handbag just in case your leg decides to fall off.
Of course it’s frustrating to be thwarted by factors outside of ones control, but surely there are better things to be annoyed about than having to take a day off work.
Arshavin' a laugh?
On Sunday night, as Mother Nature unfurled her wondrous white robe over our nation’s capital, grinding it to an abrupt halt; a small part of North London was a hive of activity, frantically trying to conclude the most protracted transfer saga in the history of Arsenal Football Club.
Finally, on Tuesday February 3rd, after a month of hot air and unrelenting media attention, and almost 24 hours after the transfer deadline had passed, the marathon game of brinkmanship was over. Arsenal announced they had signed Andrei Arshavin from Zenit St Petersburg.
The question is, does it represent a sensible piece of business?
Had you asked me the question six or so weeks ago, I might have been inclined to say no. Limited funds mean Arsenal must prioritise, and, although Arshavin is an excellent player, our main problems six weeks ago were most certainly defensive.
To be sure, this deficiency still exists. We still require a midfield metronome to replace the tireless Mathieu Flamini – and we could also do with another top centre back. However, these are no longer the priority.
Over the past month and a half, the biggest threat to our top-four status has changed from being our defensive ineptitude to an offensive impotence.
This is not just about scoring goals, which is linked to confidence and can sometimes be a problem. Now, worryingly, we struggle even to create chances. For a team that used to be the most dynamic in the league, this is a major worry.
To be fair, a lot of it is simply bad luck. How would other teams fare without the likes of Rosicky, Walcott, Fabregas, Eduardo and now Diaby? Would Liverpool have reached the league summit without Gerrard, Alonso and Riera? One doubts it.
However, this doesn’t change the position we are in now. We’re failing to make ground on Aston Villa because we’re not able to break down inferior opposition. We need to start making chances and scoring goals, and in the absence of those mentioned above, Arshavin looks a good bet.
People have questioned what will happen when everyone comes back, but I’d suggest that having a selection problem like that is a good problem to have. It keeps everyone on their toes. Some players – most obviously Adebayor – could do with having to look over their shoulder every so often.
This season is pretty much a write-off, but next season, if we strengthen in the other areas noted, looks promising.
Although we have spent significantly on Arshavin, the deal represents very good value for money, and there should still be money in the bank for some more typical Wenger buys during the summer. This should be made easier with the installation of new Chief Exec Ivan Gazidis.
Finally, on Tuesday February 3rd, after a month of hot air and unrelenting media attention, and almost 24 hours after the transfer deadline had passed, the marathon game of brinkmanship was over. Arsenal announced they had signed Andrei Arshavin from Zenit St Petersburg.
The question is, does it represent a sensible piece of business?
Had you asked me the question six or so weeks ago, I might have been inclined to say no. Limited funds mean Arsenal must prioritise, and, although Arshavin is an excellent player, our main problems six weeks ago were most certainly defensive.
To be sure, this deficiency still exists. We still require a midfield metronome to replace the tireless Mathieu Flamini – and we could also do with another top centre back. However, these are no longer the priority.
Over the past month and a half, the biggest threat to our top-four status has changed from being our defensive ineptitude to an offensive impotence.
This is not just about scoring goals, which is linked to confidence and can sometimes be a problem. Now, worryingly, we struggle even to create chances. For a team that used to be the most dynamic in the league, this is a major worry.
To be fair, a lot of it is simply bad luck. How would other teams fare without the likes of Rosicky, Walcott, Fabregas, Eduardo and now Diaby? Would Liverpool have reached the league summit without Gerrard, Alonso and Riera? One doubts it.
However, this doesn’t change the position we are in now. We’re failing to make ground on Aston Villa because we’re not able to break down inferior opposition. We need to start making chances and scoring goals, and in the absence of those mentioned above, Arshavin looks a good bet.
People have questioned what will happen when everyone comes back, but I’d suggest that having a selection problem like that is a good problem to have. It keeps everyone on their toes. Some players – most obviously Adebayor – could do with having to look over their shoulder every so often.
This season is pretty much a write-off, but next season, if we strengthen in the other areas noted, looks promising.
Although we have spent significantly on Arshavin, the deal represents very good value for money, and there should still be money in the bank for some more typical Wenger buys during the summer. This should be made easier with the installation of new Chief Exec Ivan Gazidis.
Back in the game
I've been away from the blogging for a while on account of my single-minded pursuit of NCTJ glory. Having now completed exams and simply awaiting results, I am left with the even more miserable prospect of having to find a job.
This isn't going particularly well at present but at least I can allay the boredom by waxing lyrical about stuff that no-one has any interest in reading! Great!
This isn't going particularly well at present but at least I can allay the boredom by waxing lyrical about stuff that no-one has any interest in reading! Great!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)