Sue Barker fellating a dolphin...

I’m not a fan of cannabis. It just doesn’t really do it for me. I have had plenty of good times after hitting up the cheeba, but these days, more often than not, the effect is unwelcome.

I’m not prone to involuntary facial contortions and maniacal flailing of the limbs whilst babbling uncontrollably about the people who are quite clearly out to get me, but I do feel as though the slight heady feeling from a few puffs of the funky stuff does not adequately compensate for the self-loathing and crushing paranoia.

That being said, I appreciate that this is merely my personal experience. Some people clearly enjoy the effects of "blazing the chronic". I don’t presume to tell these people how they ought to live – especially as the pastime has minimal impact on me and everyone else.

The sanctimonious finger-pointers who get high on a homegrown strain of holier-than-thou smuggery while blowing caustic smoke in the faces of the less pious are an odious bunch of self-congratulatory hate-pushers. Keep your damn noses out of other people’s business!

It is with this in mind that I address the recent scandal over Michael Phelps. Here is a man who is considered a national hero for what he did in Beijing.

I think perhaps the media may have gone a tad overboard with the eulogising – the BBC’s coverage stopped just short of Sue Barker openly fellating Phelps as Stevie Cram massaged his cetacean sack to bursting point. Yet whichever way you looked at it, eight gold medals in a single Olympic Games is an incredible achievement.

Should a man who has achieved so much be so readily castigated for so minor an indiscretion? Is it even an indiscretion? Setting aside the legal issues, surely Michael Phelps deserves to unwind in whichever way he sees fit – he’s earned the right.

Of course, the reason for people’s indignation is exactly because Phelps is a national hero. He is an American poster boy, an embodiment of the way America views itself. His story illustrates what can be achieved through hard work and determination – the quintessential American Dream.

But just as his successes are America’s successes, so his ‘failure’ is America’s failure. Is this fair? No, of course not, but that’s reality. Phelps has learned the hard way that with his status as an American idol comes the unrealistic – perhaps unattainable – expectation of moral piety.